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Post by Stardrifter on Aug 31, 2013 21:44:38 GMT -5
So I debated this for a bit but decided to post one more issue. My original plans would have been for two more issues this arc, the 10th being the last before jumping forward to present day. So I condensed the two issues into one so whomever might pick the series up can have a fresh place to start, should they like.
I apologize if it's brief and bare bones. I just wanted to get it done. I left a lot of descriptions vague or even non-existent so anyone taking over wouldn't be locked into anything.
If someone does decide to take it over and continue where I left off, feel free to message me and I'll let you know the secrets I'd hinted at to see if you want to go the same way or not.
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Post by jordan on Sept 13, 2013 18:39:27 GMT -5
So I just got caught up on Aquaman and I rather like it. I wish we you would've stuck around for the present day stuff, but it is what it is. Anyway, I think my biggest complaint is that the title of the last issue is
The End of the Beginning[
and that bracket at the end annoys the crap out of me. I know it is a little thing, but I'd say it's worth fixing.
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Post by Drake on Dec 23, 2013 12:38:07 GMT -5
My run on Aquaman begins with #10! Please tell me what you thought in a review!
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Post by DiscipleofBob on Dec 24, 2013 0:39:29 GMT -5
The first person perspective seems forced. The whole thing is supposedly narrated by Arthur's thoughts, but those thoughts seem unnatural. Take the first paragraph. "My immediate response is to swim to the door and attempt to open it. No such luck. It’s locked. My next reaction is to charge it. I succeed in hurting myself more than actually damaging the door. The damn thing is made from some impossibly tough scaly pink metal. I sigh, defeated, and take in my surroundings." No one talks or thinks like that. It seems like third-person would suit this better. It gets better over the course of the chapter though. Arthur seems quippier than in the previous run. In the past he was a bit more solemn as opposed to a smartass. That's not a complaint, just something to get used to I guess. It could also be argued that his current circumstances are different from those in Stardrifter's run and therefore provoke a different reaction. It's weird to see Atlanteans not know what things like "genes" and "pictures" are. Every other version I've seen, either in the comics or in the various TV adaptations has had Atlantis as extremely technologically advanced in addition to their magical superiority. Also, the one guard having an accent seemed kind of weird when no one else in the culture seemed to have one, but at this point I'm just nitpicking. Overall, a solid chapter, picking up right where we left off in the previous storyline. My question as a reader is do you see yourself taking Aquaman from 2007 to the present and, if so, about how long in issues will that take?
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Post by Drake on Dec 24, 2013 13:00:12 GMT -5
Thanks for the review!
I've never written in first person before, so that probably explains why it wasn't the best. It was a test to see if it could be done, but I think you're right. I'm going to stick with third person from now on.
The way I see the quipping is that Arthur's kind of in a mixed mental state right now. He's scared as hell, which is making him act a little out of character, and he's also subconsciously missing his friends and family. Brian's loss and the pressure of being in his situation has caused him to replace them with similar character traits. Of course, that's the story reason. The actual reason is that I prefer to put some humor into my writing.
I see it like being Captain America's transition from his solo movie to Avengers, or Thor's from his first to second movie/Avengers. It's still the same character at heart, but it has a little more humor in it because, like Joss Whedon (not that I'd ever compare myself to him), I like to put humor into my writing.
They are really intelligent, but I didn't make that very clear. I screwed the pooch on that one. The idea of genes and pictures are some things they have, it's just they call them different names. Like Orin, for example. It's weird, I know, considering they speak some form of English telepathically, but it was just hard for me to believe that their language wouldn't be different from ours. So, I made it different. I'll figure out how I'm going to show that in the future without forcing the different language down our throats.
The guy's from a different part of Atlantis, and a different class of society than any of the other characters you've seen except Glorid'en. It makes since he would talk differently. The way I see it is each city-state of Atlantis has their own psychic accent, with the the royal class (Orm, Atlanna, Garth, etc.) having similar accents.
It'll reach the present, but not for a little while.
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Post by Stardrifter on Dec 25, 2013 14:07:43 GMT -5
So this is interesting for me, since it picks up right where I left off.
I agree that Arthur seems a bit out of character. I tried to portray him as having a sense of humor, but you amped it up. He also seemed to come across as more of a dick. But I guess you can get away with the stress and all. I think since you want to do a bit of a different take on him, you really should have taken advantage of the time jump. Any differences then could be hand waved as years of growth and change.
I'm also glad you're going to go to third person. It wasn't bad, but I personally am not a fan. At least not of present tense first person. Past tense works better, but it doesn't matter now.
I forget if I made it clear, but the Atlanteans don't have a language. They speak with their thoughts, so whoever they speak to interprets it in their language. It would be like if I projected the thought of a bowl to you. No word, just the thought. You would interpret the thought as bowl because that's how you perceive it. So in that respect the only "foreign" words would be for things Arthur has no reference for. It's also why I tried to write all the Atlantean dialogue as very formal. No one but Arthur ever used contractions. He understands those and sends them, but Atlanteans don't. At least that was my intent behind it. Obviously you're free to do as you please.
So all that aside, it wasn't a bad issue. It felt a little rushed. Arthur didn't seem to really feel the weight of what is happening. He discovers he has a mother and a half brother and just kinda rolls with it like, whatever. I suppose he could still be in shock. I hope you take some time to really make him feel it and come to grips with it.
Since you aren't jumping to present like I planned to, I hope you explore some of the revelations that come from this. It'd be interesting to see what Atlanna thinks of Thomas and Jenna, how Arthur will explain it, and of course how Jenna and Tom will react to Atlantis. Heck I'd just love a scene between Tom and Atlanna and the emotions behind that.
Anyway I'm getting off topic. In summary, it was an interesting if flawed start, but I look forward to where you go from here. The rebellion is interesting, and I wonder who it is using the name Ocean Master if not Orm. Keep em coming.
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Post by Drake on Dec 25, 2013 15:02:35 GMT -5
I'm not really sure how I'm going to work out the Atlantean telepathy-speaking now that I've started it. We'll see.
Arthur's reaction to his situation is definitely shock. It'll really hit him later on in issue 12. There'll be some interesting scenes before I jump to the present between a number of characters. Just wait and see on that front.
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Post by jordan on Dec 26, 2013 15:14:03 GMT -5
So I finally got around to reading your Aquaman. I must admit, I expected you to take the time skip, but there is nothing wrong with you continuing Star's story. It is a very interesting start to a run, and it sets up some curious questions like who is the Ocean Master?
Moving on to the technical side, as someone who uses first person as his primary writing technique, I tell you this from experience: First person writing is not for everyone. It isn't for all readers or writers. I use first person as a sort of technique to put myself into the story, make myself the main character. I feel and hear and see the same things that Batman or Gordon feel hear and see. First person is how I connect with my characters. But that isn't the case for everyone, and having read your first person and your third person, I think you connect on a much better level with third person. It isn't to say you can't improve your first person, but I think you're taking a step in the right direction with returning to third person.
Overall, a rocky start that gets a 7/10, but I know you can bring it aroudn and make us all love your Aquaman, so good luck and keep writing the good write!
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Post by buck on Jan 4, 2014 1:56:13 GMT -5
My review mostly echoes what has already been said. The first person doesn't really seem to work for Aquaman and it might just be you getting the voice down. It could've used a little bit more polishing especially in dialogue and direction. You spent way too much time telling us things in this issue.
It's an interesting starting point for your run on the title and I'm interested to see where you take it and the Ocean Master bit has me interested with it being Orm's normal moniker.
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Post by Drake on Jan 18, 2014 18:46:23 GMT -5
Next issue will be up late tonight or tomorrow. I figured out the Atlantean language. For those interested, it will be explained in parts and pieces over the next few issues (specifically after #11).
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Post by Drake on Jan 19, 2014 19:26:49 GMT -5
Aquaman 11 is up! Featuring the introduction of a HUGE character! Two, actually!
Please tell me what you thought of it in a review.
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Post by buck on Jan 19, 2014 22:48:43 GMT -5
This issue was definitely more polished, but the question still on my mind how does a Great White Shark just appear with no notice. I mean on the small side they are 10-13 feet long. You think the people of Atlantis would have some sort of defense against them. Just ripped me from the page trying to piece that together. I mean if you'd let in a bit of foreshadowing in one of your two issues with Arthur admiring the sealife or something it would have been less jarring.
But overall the issue was decent. A bit of a lackluster introduction for Mera. I like the story though it's seems interesting and you are working with a real direction and purpose. I definitely see what you're trying to do with the title and I like how you are progressing the character.
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Post by DiscipleofBob on Jan 20, 2014 21:13:35 GMT -5
Third-person is really working out better for you here. Flow is much smoother.
Plot's moving along nicely. Ocean Master and King Orm being different characters is certainly interesting and keeps the reader guessing. Mera's finally introduced, and in an initially antagonistic role as is tradition I believe for her.
The great white shark's sudden appearance doesn't bother me as much. Maybe it's just that with Atlantis I always picture open-airsea rooms. And since great white sharks really aren't that aggressive, the idea that one could be nearby the building and be ignored until Arthur unconsciously calls it makes enough sense to me.
I kind of figured Arthur would be stuck in Atlantis. It's the most logical route for the story to take.
I like the explanation for the Aquaman moniker here.
Can't wait to see how Arthur transitions to the modern day. I hope he'll be available in a few months when Justice League gets started.
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Post by Drake on Jan 20, 2014 21:24:10 GMT -5
I know exactly where he'll be at the time, so yeah, even if I'm not in the modern day yet, Arthur certainly will be.
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Post by Stardrifter on Jan 21, 2014 19:52:07 GMT -5
I agree this was a much better issue. The fight was well done. The introductions were good. I'm interested to see where things go. Two suggestions. At one point you said Arthur stepped forward. Under water. Might want to watch those land lubber verbs . Second, the last line was a powerful cliffhanger, only to be ruined by the say what right after. It just took me right out and ruined the impact. Keep em coming.
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Post by Drake on Jan 21, 2014 20:05:41 GMT -5
I agree this was a much better issue. The fight was well done. The introductions were good. I'm interested to see where things go. Two suggestions. At one point you said Arthur stepped forward. Under water. Might want to watch those land lubber verbs . Second, the last line was a powerful cliffhanger, only to be ruined by the say what right after. It just took me right out and ruined the impact. Keep em coming. I'd originally changed the "step forward" bit, but I decided that it was fine the way it was. Maybe he did step forward...sorta...kinda. Looking back, I was clearly wrong. Sorry about the ending. It was meant to be humorous. It won't happen again.
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Post by Drake on Jan 25, 2014 15:58:50 GMT -5
On All Star Marvel, I'm known for surprising people with issues. Why not bring that tradition over to UDC?
Aquaman 12 is up! For guests, it's a great jumping on point! Check it out!
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Post by Stardrifter on Jan 26, 2014 19:54:05 GMT -5
Not a bad issue. The only thing that I'd complain about is Arthur complaining about school. I never portrayed him as disliking school. In fact he specifically went to college to learn marine biology. But really it's just a nitpick. Keep em coming.
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Post by Drake on Jan 26, 2014 20:08:22 GMT -5
Good point, Star. I guess I should have left out the "humor" if it could be called that. Thanks for reviewing again!
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Post by Stardrifter on Jan 26, 2014 21:40:03 GMT -5
The humor part was fine. In my opinion it just needed to be expanded. Instead of him being upset at the idea of school, maybe make it so he's upset because he's going to Atlantis elementary school with little kids. Something like that which would ring truer.
Like I said, it's mostly a nitpick and stood out more to me because I wrote the series first. I wouldn't be surprised if I was the only one who even cared.
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