The Rock of Eternity: Ultimate Shazam Discussion

[Drake]

Just posting this in advance. I'll have the first issue up sometime in the next couple weeks. Could be New Year's Day, could be two weeks from now. We'll see.

[Drake]

Alright, guys, I got some serious writing and editing done today and I'm proud to say Ultimate Shazam Issue 1 is done and up! Check it out! Tell me what you think! I hope you enjoy it! There is more to come.

[Drake]

Also updated Secret Files.

[Stardrifter]

Very well done. Very descriptive and well written. You've got the characters down and set up an interesting, if very familiar, story. I liked how you tied Sivana and Adam together, though I think Sivana is kind of betrayed by being obsessed with magic and not science.

If I had one complaint, beyond the occasional error, it would be your tendency to go on tangents on occasion. For example, you went in depth about who Darla is and her appearance when she wasn't even in the scene. That should have been saved for when she is actually in a scene and introduced.

But that's a small complaint. Otherwise, great job. Keep em coming.

[Drake]

Thanks for that, man! I wasn't so sure if the Darla part fit in as I wrote it, but I guess cuz of laziness, I left it in. The grammar issues I will fix tonight. I only read it over once and missed some grammar errors. Thanks again!

[buck]

Was a solid start to the issue you seem to have solid grasp of all your characters. I'm just hoping the story takes a bit of a twist in the chapters that are still coming.

Good work though and you're off to a solid start.

[Drake]

The twists? They're coming. Maybe not as soon as you'd hope, but I'm playing the long game. If everything goes according to plan, you're going to get a very different, very long run on Shazam from me. And thanks to everyone who's reviewed so far! It means a ton!

[liquidsword34]

I liked it. Not much to say because there's nothing to really criticise, keep it up.

[Drake]

Thanks a lot for the kind words, LS.

[DiscipleofBob]

Excellent first chapter.

A little on the cliche side, but really, anything involving Billy Batson or Captain Marvel is so that's on the mark really.

Some things got a little heavy on the exposition side though. Did we really need and entire paragraph explaining the origin of the cat's name?

Otherwise, I like. Welcome to the site.

[Drake]

Thanks for the review. The cliche is all on purpose. As a Billy Batson story, I felt it should be quite cliche in that way...at least for now. The exposition was all my way of quickly explaining the world of Billy Batson. My only real regret when it comes to exposition is my awkward positioning of the Darla exposition.

Anyway, thanks again.

[Drake]

Issue 2 is up! It's a long one!

[Stardrifter]

I didn't like this issue as much. It was a bit boring to be honest. The scene with Mary's Dad walking in on her was just creepy. If it was intentional, okay. If not....eh. The scene at Dillard's was strange. Being accused of ripping people off us a huge deal. Theres no way a manager if a major store would act like that unless he wanted to be fired. All they had to do was report it to the mall.

Anyway, youre doing a good job building your characters up. So far I would say thats your strength as a writer. I just hope the story starts picking up.

[Drake]

Yeah, this is my least favorite issue I've planned. It was honestly boring to write, but I had to get through this. Mary's dad thing wasn't so much creepy, as just showing that he's kind of a weird guy. A nice, weird guy, though. And there's more to him and his wife as you'll find out. And the Dillard's scene would have been A LOT longer, and made a lot more sense, but I felt it started to drag on, so I cut it short. I take full blame for that. Maybe I should have kept in the full scene.

Thanks for that last compliment. That's the main point to these first two issues. Next is Billy's origin, and after that the plot really kicks into full gear.

[Drake]

Also, updated Secret Files. More will be up later.

[liquidsword34]

You;re doing a good job of building the characters, but the issue seemed to drag. It could have started with them at the mall and there wouldn't really be much that's different. The Sivana and Adam stuff was good, but overall this issue was a step down in my opinion.

[Drake]

Thanks a lot for reviewing again! Also, thanks for the character-building compliments. That's something I've really tried to work on. Most of my previous fan fiction is just a lot of action. There's character moments, but not as many as there should be. I also agree with this being worse than the first. And a little long. Next chapter will be a lot shorter, possibly a little too short, but I think it'll be quite good. Expect it between a couple weeks from now and a month from now.

[buck]

Nice issue interesting character bits, but to me it's feeling too close to what Johns is doing. I'm hoping you do something to make your take more unique.

[Drake]

I plan on separating from John's run in the next few issues. The reason his series is so prevalent in my story is because it's the only full-on Shazam comic I've read. There are some similarities coming in the future but I have BIG plans to separate from any previous Shazam story, although it may come around #15-20. Arc two, which I plan on starting with #9, also starts a different story, featuring Hourman and a World's Finest-like relationship/team up of Hourman and Shazam.

[Deleted]

Ok so I have only read the first issue. It is well written except for the stray sentence fragment here and there.

As for impressions, two things-one it's an origin story and as I have said elsewhere, the best thing about origin stories is when they are done and writers begin telling stories about the characters and not about how they became the character.

The second-after reading it, I really can't see anything of Drake in it-it's a bit of Rowling (lightning scar, opening scene of Sorcerer's Stone with the serial numbers filed off using replacement characters), Flashpoint Shazam-the kids at the Dudley home, and Johns' New52 Shazam-Sivana seeing magic and being tied to the return of Black Adam who is the warrior wizard.

It's not that its badly written, its that it feels like a mash up of elements and not something coming from the author. Look, we are all guilty of it, I've done it and just about every writer here on the site has at some point in their writing career. There are things that inspire up, but the goal is to transcend the influences, not becomes slaves to them and let them plow the ground where we will sow. So, having something that reads like the influences is a part of the process.

I know you have big plans for the series, and it is obvious you are a technically skilled writer, so I hope you transcend the influences and find your own voice, because there doesn't seem to be much of it in the the first issue. It reads like a ventriloquist act of Johns and Rowling, not a Drake story. I like some of Johns stuff and I enjoy Rowling, but if I want to read them, I will read them. So my question is-who is Drake and what does his voice read like? That's what I will be hoping to see in future issues. Don't try to be the second coming of Johns (or Rowling, Or Morrison, or whoever), be the first coming of Drake. There is a lot of potential here, don't waste it by settling for being something other than you.

-M