Parliamentary Debrief: Primal Forces Discussion

[Deleted]

Righteo chaps and chapettes - Primal Forces #1 is going to go up tonight. I hope you all enjoy it and I catch all the glaring grammatical and spelling errors that are no doubt peppered in my work.

(Also, let me know if it's a bit on the long side. I wasn't sure, to be honest.)

[The Wonderful Wachter]

It's not on the long side at all compared to some of the issues around the board.

Not too many grammatical or spelling errors that I could notice. It's a solid first issue. Not a strong first issue. Just solid. There's nothing there that turns me on, nothing there that turns me off. Could do with a bit more in terms of describing setting and people but there's nothing wrong with the story itself.

I know I'm the one that suggested Siegleville to you but the part of me that wrote BatB is sad to see it moved back to Florida where it is canonically instead of Texas and I'm interested in seeing what you have in mind for the two cities we suggested and that country.
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As the Ulti-Monitor (and I know you have a ton of notes already), I do please request that around your issue 3 you release a rough timeline of events to Monitor Duty or PMing me since I know how big you're going and how small we reduced it to. Doesn't have to spoil your story (but it can if you want and I'll code it as such) with your general Mythos leading up to the creation of the Zones and what not.

[Deleted]

Thanks for the Feedback, Wachter. If you don't mind my asking - is there more I could have done to make you more interested? Obviously, the description of settings and people is something to work on, in that I realize I described Nick, Will and Chandi briefly, but not very much of Buddy. I'd be really interested to see if I can make it more engaging - I think I'm a conceptually driven writer, which sometimes means that details, more often than not important ones, get a little lost. Pretend words and stuff are exciting!

Also, I'm actually not very used to working in third person, so apologies if that made it a bit more awkward?

With regards to the Ult-Monitor stuff, I'll work up all the useful information that you might need - I can work up a rough time line of events as well, but I'm worried it might become another wall of text. I don't want to take MRP's title just yet

[buck]

Was definitely an interesting start.

It reads like a superhero police procedural which is actually a good thing. Gives the site some nice variety. Nothing really grabbed me in the first issue other then Buddy's brief call with Ellen.

I hope I'm wrong, but I don't feel like you are going to flesh your characters out enough to really connect with the readers. We were introduced to four major characters in your story and we learned little about them outside of names and physical descriptions.

So like I said I hope I'm wrong(and being only one issue in I could be totally off base), but just keep that in mind when you work on further issues.

All said and done keep up the good work and can't wait for issue two.

[Deleted]

Thanks Buck, I appreciate the feedback.

There's always a feeling of trepidation when I put something up for review. I used to get quite nervous about it all at the writing groups I used to go to.

I can see exactly what you mean about the characters, actually. Originally, it was going to just be a Buddy issue, with Chandi appearing at the end - but for whatever reason I decided it was a good idea to lead with Will and Nick investigating the apartment. The next three issues are markedly more focused on Buddy and Chandi.

[liquidsword34]

The length was fine, don't worry about it. The spelling and grammar was good as well. My only real problem was that it was a bit boring. Probably just because it was an introductory issue.

[The Wonderful Wachter]

May 12, 2013 15:10:36 GMT -5 @bkole said:

Thanks for the Feedback, Wachter. If you don't mind my asking - is there more I could have done to make you more interested? Obviously, the description of settings and people is something to work on, in that I realize I described Nick, Will and Chandi briefly, but not very much of Buddy. I'd be really interested to see if I can make it more engaging - I think I'm a conceptually driven writer, which sometimes means that details, more often than not important ones, get a little lost. Pretend words and stuff are exciting!

Buck pretty much covered it. We're introduced to all these characters and nothing really stands out. Not even the "zones." They are all interesting concepts but given what I know of your scope, I expected bigger. Something larger. I know you're focusing on the fallout so obviously, it's not going to be something huge and you're most likely writing a character piece so those characters need to be more.

Maybe it's my fault for my expectations/assumptions. Yet it still reads as something better acted, not read.

[adrini]

I was rather impressed. You seem to have alot you are building to, as shown by a lot of the hinting the chapter does. I also like how you have an older character, too many 20-somethings running around here.

You actually built a nice snap shot of the world for us. I came off almost a the five minute chip before the opening credits that tells us lightly what the episode is about. I'm sure sure if that was what you were going for but it really works.

[Deleted]

The Wonderful Wachter - Fair enough on the better acted part, I'll try and get more descriptions in there. Part of my style is a bit sort of bare bones, but it is something I'm trying to change, I want to get detail in there as much as I can. I think it's perhaps a case of too much, too soon. I was trying to drip feed information in, which would hopefully pique peoples interests, so they'd want to read more to find out what the hell happened and what the Zones were about etc, but I think I put too many disparate strands in. I want it to build from the fallout into something with a much larger, powerful scope, and also revisit some of the things that happened during the Elemental War - But I'll try and keep it more focused next issue.

@liquidsword - Sorry you found it a bit boring. Next issue has more action to it, so hopefully that'll be a bit more engaging. It's a bit more focused as well.

adrini - Thanks for the kind words. There is a lot of building to this series, for the past and the future. As I said above, I was trying to hint at things to build interest, but I might have given too many things to much time.

With regards to older characters, for whatever reason, I've always been drawn to characters who aren't teenagers, or young people. Never interested in Teen Titans, I was always a fan of Doctor Strange, or the JSA. Characters who have families are ones I really enjoy, for some reason.

And the 'clip before the credits' is as nice a way of describing it as I could think of! It's the introductory part, I wanted to build that little snapshot of the world and then build it up slowly. (I think I'm repeating myself a bit here) but again, thank you for the kind words. I appreciate it!

[The Wonderful Wachter]

Because I wouldn't be me without popping up with a "HEY!" comment.

<_< I only have one twenty-something in all my cast. Everyone else are either old SOBs who don't know how to die or teenagers that do. MWUHAHAHAHAHAHA.

[Stardrifter]

I found it to be a bit boring. You hint and tease at things, but not in the "Oooh I want to know more," way, but rather the "This is just frustrating!" way. I felt like I should have been told more than I was to appreciate what was going on.

Otherwise it was technically sound and well done. Keep em coming.

[Deleted]

I don't have much to add that hasn't already been said, but I did enjoy the conversation Buddy had with his wife. That bit of dialogue provided a nice amount of insight into the character, and was my favorite part of the issue.

[Deleted]

Okay guys, I've tried to take into account what you've all said in your reviews and hopefully made it a bit more accessible. I'm not sure it quite has the action quota covered yet but, hey. So, Issue #2 is Up, and I've added two FRACTIONAL Profiles to the Secret Files. More to follow.

[Deleted]

The ending is a little bit abrupt, and I can't help but feel like I'm missing information that would make all of this so much easier to follow. That being said, I can appreciate a slow reveal and there's more than enough intrigue to keep me reading while all the pieces of the puzzle fall into place.

[liquidsword34]

An improvement over the first issue. there was a lot more actually happening. so it didn't feel boring. Keep it up

[Deleted]

I'm glad you both enjoyed this issue more than the last - the plan was to make it less boring.

There will be more revealing as we go through, what happened to Siegleville, what it all means, etc. But I'm not a fan of comics who basically tell you what's happening as it happens, so this is my attempt to...show that this is not the world we know, and that information will become available when it suits the plot rather than the reader.

I appreciate that it can be pretty confusing though, so issue three will have some serious information in it. Hopefully it won't be an exposition dump.

[Stardrifter]

Yeah I still think you're throwing too much at the reader at once. I still am not sure what's going on and what all these terms mean. I know it's a trope, but having a characters whose new to it all that others could exposit to would have really helped.

Keep em coming.

[Deleted]

Fair enough - as I said, there is going to be more coming in issue three, so hopefully, that will answer more of your questions.

[DiscipleofBob]

I ended up not reviewing the first chapter because I was just so completely lost even after multiple readthroughs. Chapter 2 clears some things up, but I'm still confused on a lot of what appear to be key aspects of this mythos. I think I get the basic concepts, but for now I have one question:

The conversation between Buddy and Chandi makes it seem like this Red/Green/etc. stuff is all over the world, and that it's not exactly subtle. Vast areas of blood and tissue. Giant walls of water. Are these "Zones" really that common? And how come the rest of the world and DC universe doesn't seem to reference them?

As for the story itself, there are some noticeable spelling and grammar errors, but overall this is a very intriguing story and I can't wait to read more, if at least to find out everything that's going on.

[Deleted]

Bob - So sorry, i missed your question! How rude - Well, this was a point of discussion between myself and the admins when we began the planning for my series. The Zones are common, in the areas where the War began. There are a few zones in India, and a couple of others around the world, a couple in Greenland etc. For the most part, they're in uninhabited areas, or areas where most of the world has 'no interest in'. The only place where all the elements are expressed in this zone system is Siegleville.

As far as continuity and references into the rest of the DC world goes? Ah, I dunno how to solve that particular aspect - they have existed, but only in the sense of them existing in my title. So, I guess if people wanted to reference it, i can provide a brief guide of this zonation system in continuity and the areas affected? I dunno.

Spelling and grammar issues? Curses. I thought I got them - would you mind pointing them out to me in more detail, perhaps?

Hopefully, issue #3, which is up now, provides more information as to whats going on. What I didn't want to do was do a MASSIVE INFO DUMP issue because, well, they're not fun for anyone at all. And there's nothing more that I hate then an issue which begins with 'So, here's what happened up til you got here' kind of thing...

Anyway, sorry for the delay in response and Issue #3 is up, but possibly, not as edited as I would like it be...