Ultimate Flash Discussion

[neonpheonix]

Ok, dudes or dudettes...
this is the Ultimate Flash Discussion Thread.
Talk about anything you like, criticize me, ask me questions, anything.

[jordan]

You still don't have a paragraph structure, and I just can't read it. I hate to say this, but 0/10, I just can't read it because it is missing a basic structure.

[neonpheonix]

You know to be honest when I first started writing on the internet someone told me the exact opposite. This is my second year of writing and I always get told that if my story doesn't follow the rules, it won't get read by said critic. But, if it does follow all the rules people say, "Oh, it's to big I refuse to read it."
So I choose the No Rules way. It's much more fun.

[jordan]

It'a a "to each their own" kind of thing, but as a major advocate and fan of the Flash, I find it slightly disappointing. I'm not sure who and where you were told that having an absence of structure is preferable, but as a basic rule, everyone everywhere literate write in paragraphs. No to say you're illiterate, but that is the basic, universally accepted format of the English language. Without rules you aren't even technically using a language because that's all that separate languages is the rules that you follow. Again, to each their own, but as a Flash fan I'm sad I can't be reading this anymore.

[adrini]

We like long stories. consider this a lesson in "don't trust everything you're told on the net".

Basic structure:

-intro, who are the characters. Grab the readers attention be avoid extremes. Think more middle of a conversation. Attention, but not shock. Build to that.

-first plot point. A person lying in a conversation. An unmarked package in the mail. An old friend suddenly showing up. We had the character, now we begin to see the story.

-story growth. Good to tie with character development and additional locals.

-climax. Resolution of some aspect of the story. New information is found, new villain or friend shows up. Mystery person offers surprise assistance.

-resolution. How things stand with new realities. The effects on people involved.

Paragraph form.

"Dialogue" Description. "Dialogue."

-space-

Other notes-

Define the characters. Help us connect with your world. Who is this person, why should we care? Make them "human". Cigarette smell, notable ring or necklace, tendency to play with hair or buttons. Help us know who they are, what they want, why they do what they do. Describe, don't tell.

Your story has meat you can build on, but format matters. It sucks that you were given bad advise, but all is not lost.

[Drake]

Follow Adrini's advice. You need a format.

That being said, I'll review your title for what it is.

THE BAD:
First off, the opening chapter is titled "Part 2." That's a small error you should fix. It threw me off at first, and I imagine it would do the same with others. Next, the doctor's an a**. That much is apparent. But he acts...almost evil. I don't know. Dropping a baby and killing it, that's pretty harsh. Too harsh, I'd say. Also, some of your dialogue is a bit off. It reads as stilted and unrealistic. That's not to say it's all bad, but a solid 60% doesn't read right. Also, you need to use more commas. Obviously don't just throw them in, but use them correctly.

THE GOOD:
It follows closely in line with the classic Flash story, but does have a different feel to it. It creates a solid base for future stories.

I know there isn't much to the good section, but don't let that put you down. I'll admit I won't be reading the title till you use a proper structure, but once you do, I'll try it out again. I'm interested to see what you do with some of my favorite characters in all of comics.

OVERALL SCORE: 4/10

[DiscipleofBob]

It's okay to occasionally deviate from what your English teachers tell you for the sake of a story. Passive voice, sentence fragments, all sorts of things that would give you red marks on an English paper can actually be used to better tell a story.

That being said, I'm sorry, what you have right now is basically an unreadable mess. It's like a Flash comic was filtered through several languages with poorly translated subtitles. It's very difficult to tell any of what's going on, and that lack of format hurts your story more than anything else.

Granted, every story on the site has at least some issue with spelling and grammar, some more than others, but the stories are at least legible. Trying to interpret what's going in these two chapters is an exercise in frustration.

Enough on format/grammar/spelling for a bit though, because what's truly important is content, even if the content is severely handicapped by the lack of format.

Let me start with your second chapter, because based on what I interpret the content is, it's not bad. You touch upon Barry Allen's personality and him first dealing with his powers and what it feels like going super speed for the first time. Formatting and grammar aside, your first chapter is what an origin chapter should be. You're not bogging the character down with the origin, but you're not ignoring the origin and skipping ahead either.

I really wish your second chapter was your first and only chapter, because the current first chapter you have put up actually offends me. You have infanticide, a drunken doctor, and violent murder all in the same chapter, but none of these factors have any dramatic weight behind them. The drunken doctor and his actions, whom most of the chapter seems to revolve around, are not comedic, not sympathetic, not darkly tragic. There are much better ways the plotline of this chapter could be done, ways which wouldn't completely undercut the severity of the doctor's actions, ways which wouldn't graphically describe the sickening, violent, yet somehow from the tone of the story casual infanticide. As far as I can tell, this first chapter does not have any redeeming qualities.

This is my second year of writing and I always get told that if my story doesn't follow the rules, it won't get read by said critic. But, if it does follow all the rules people say, "Oh, it's to big I refuse to read it."
So I choose the No Rules way. It's much more fun.

Stop listening to whoever tells you not to write something with proper grammar and a legible paragraph structure because it makes your writing "too big". Just from reading what you have, I get the impression that you CAN actually write well with a bit of practice and effort, but from the chapters that are currently posted, an impression is all I can get. Whenever you're writing, remember your target audience. If that audience is a teacher who's grading your paper on every rule taught in class, follow those rules strictly. If your target audience are friends or family, then you know what their expectations or tolerances are.

On this site, you're committing to at least a six-issue series that should be trying to establish the character for a universe that involves multiple writers. We are your audience. We expect better. I believe you can do better.

[Stardrifter]

I'll just echo what others have said. I got about halfway through the first issue and gave up. It hurts my eyes to read. I imagine if I was on a computer and not my phone it would be a bit easier, but I have no problems with anything else on my phone.

[Drake]

Can you please write in paragraph form? Please? I checked out issue 3 and you're still using no form. It's unreadable, man. I don't want to hate on you, but it's just awkward and near-impossible to read in that format. Listen to what all of us have told you.

Flash is my favorite family of characters in DC comics. I want to read this title, but it's impossible for me right not. Please use a proper form. Please.

[neonpheonix]

Yes, ummmm. I don't know where to say this, but I've got a lot going on right now which is probably why I haven't been writing right. So, as of now I'm going to retire. I might come back when I get my stuff together but, I'm done for now.