Legend of Flash , Speed Discussion !

[superecwfan1]

So the 1st issue of Legend of Flash is up. Yes there isn't really any big action scenes in it. But that will change soon. This is the set up basically and the next part will see action for those who want to see it. I hope you enjoy this read and what happens ahead. Because by #3 things settle into the premise this series will have from then on.

[Drake]

So, this was an okay issue. It didn't do much for me beyond establishing the characters.

First off, a lot of your writing reads like a script. I mean that in that you describe things as "you see *insert action*" and it just doesn't feel right, especially for prose. Second, you are is you're, not your. Third, and really this just relates to everything, you need a beta reader. You have a lot of misused periods and grammatical mistakes, and after a while they pull you out of the story. There's the occasional tense switch which always causes me to pause, thus allowing your story to lose momentum. Lastly, everything reads as incredibly cliche. The plot seems like a billion things I've read before, and it's very predictable. I hope some uniqueness is coming in its future.

Also, and this isn't your problem, but mine really, I hate Barry's/Wally's origin. It always felt so random and silly. I get that Rip's planned this, but how could he predict a lightning bolt would crash through a window? How would lightning crash through a window in the first place? That's not how the physics work. At worst, it might break the window but even that is beyond unlikely.

On to the good...your characterization is solid and the mystery is intriguing, if cliche and obvious.

5.5/10

Don't be discouraged. I'm tough to please when it comes to the Flash. Those characters are my favorite "family" in the DCU.

Also, sorry for any grammar mistakes. I'm typing this from my phone.

[Stardrifter]

So the setup was good. I'm interested in where you're going with Wally being from the future. I'm fine with your setup for his origin since it's obvious Hunter set it up and has some sort of timey whimey knowledge. Though it's stupid to still have the chalkboard say Wally West is Flash in a lab Wally himself works at.

I won't go into the errors too much, since you've talked about before how bad you are with it. But yeah, it was REALLY bad. If it's not something you can do then you need to get someone to help you. I was constantly taken out of the story and distracted by the errors.

Still, I'm interested in your take and look forward to where it's going. Keep em coming.

[Drake]

Forgot to mention this. In the beginning the board read "Flash = Wally West" and at the end it was reversed. Just a tiny continuity error.

[superecwfan1]

Unlike the last time I wrote for this site , there doesn't seem to be any editors for this site. So there isn't gonna be editing for this. It sucks but as I posted in the Legend of Flash deal on the Author board , I basically said...I will try and edit this down the best of my ability. To try and get it ready for everyone.

Stardrifter or anyone who does edit ...if you want you can. If not I understand.

[DiscipleofBob]

Despite the numerous typos, the story reads very well and flows smoothly. I never once had to stop reading and try to unscramble a misspelled word or try to guess what an awkwardly phrased sentence was supposed to be.

So far this has a very Doctor Who sort of feel. We have the mysterious time-traveling stranger and he unsuspecting "companion" in Wally. (Wow that sounds a lot dirtier than intended). I wouldn't at all be surprised if Rip Hunter kept a blue police box in the closet.

I have to wonder why you're having Wally West be the Flash from the future when traditionally that's always been Bart Allen. Coming up with new versions and back stories of characters is one of the main appeals of the site, but it's kind of pointless when your reimagining of one character just turns them into someone who already exists in the comics. The origin doesn't bother me since at least you can say Rip Hunter was planning this. Knowledge of future events and all.

I hope the story doesn't spend too long in this future. Stories set in the future have the potential to screw over other writers which is why they're heavily discouraged on the site. Fortunately you haven't written anything that's problematic yet, but you're hovering dangerously close to that line.

The "script" lines are problematic, but they're also few and far between. Just watch those in the future.

My only other complaint is the formatting. I can tell from the header alone that you know how to format stories, so having giant inconsistent clumps of asterisks really looks sloppy. I would also personally prefer that you put the whole story in one post, not separated as they are currently.

You've mentioned wanting an editor multiple times. If it were possible every writer on the site could have a decent editor. Sadly it seems there's little time available and anyone who could conceivably be a beta reader is busy with their own project. But it almost sounds like you're using the lack of an editor as a crutch to avoid proof reading your own work. It's not like you were nearing your deadline or anything. You could have taken time to look over your work and make corrections. You should take the opportunity to practice editing your own work. It will help you grow as a writer. I don't expect perfection from any of the writers here, but you should at least make the personal effort.

[superecwfan1]

Ok i'm running behind with work starting and I wanted to post a few things guys.


- Bob its not an excuse I'm giving. I actually went over that 1st part 2-3 times and tried my damndest to make it good. To make sure there wasn't any errors or anything that would suck in writing that. If I didn't care I'd have thrown it up the 1st time and left it. But I don't do that. I go over , redo , re-edit and more quite a few times. Because Its what I do.

So people again when I say , I'm trying here...I really am. Its not an excuse. I'm not throwing stuff on the screen and posting it seconds later. I am actually trying as hard as I can to edit this stuff . Yes I know its not gonna be great or perfect. But I can only do the best possible thing I can do.



- The next part will set the premise up at the end where the series goes. I don't wanna give anything away. But the start of the series won't be the premise you read in #3. Around #3 is where I start doing ongoing subplots and more with the cast you will see in Flash.



- Due to work I won't have the next part up til this weekend folks. And it too will have quite a few re-edits and be posted to the best of my ability. So please bear with me ok.

[DiscipleofBob]

If you're already proofreading your own work, then that's all I would ever ask of a writer. I know first hand that when you proofread your own work you often miss the obvious, and some people are better at catching those mistakes than others. Like I said before, the story flows smoothly despite the typos and they don't take me out of the story, so kudos on that.

I do think the formatting could still use some more work. Sometimes depending on what program you use to write it doesn't translate well when you paste your work to Proboards.

[superecwfan1]

Well folks here I am with #2 of Legend of the Flash. I wanted to get it posted before the end of March and have 2 stories up before then. Due to being sick last weekend it delayed this awhile so hope you enjoy it. The ball really starts rolling in #3 coming next month. So happy reading and hope you enjoy where the series goes next.

[Drake]

So, all around my critiques are the same as they were in issue 1. The only thing I can say you improved on was writing your story like prose, not a script. Reread my first review for all of my other critiques.

This bears repeating because it drove me insane while reading this: "you are" is "you're" not "your."

Lastly, why would Wally just go with this guy he barely knows into the past, leaving his family behind? At the very least he should have contemplated it more.

For the "script" improvement, I'll give you a 5.75/10.

Keep on writing.

[Stardrifter]

I'm not going to browbeat you over the same stuff. I will say things were just rushed. From Wally's reaction to his powers to his decision to help to his decision to go back in time. This wasn't a character reacting to events and making decisions. This was a character following the plot.

"Then Wally gets powers! And he loves them. Then he sees people in danger and he goes to help, even if it's illegal! Then he's a fugitive so he goes back in time!"

I mean it felt as bare bones as that. Just following a plot outline rather than actually seeing the drama and the natural reactions to what's happening. It's the difference between the plot driving the characters and the characters driving the plot.

Keep em coming.

[adrini]

Rule issue first. Future timing is fine but stating a future could mess one of us up. Maybe play with the wording? "The local gov. Has a rule against that!" Would effect central city, your turf, and not contain that risk while giving you the same urgency.

I have to admit I don't see the need to make it a future thing, but that's your call. You're still learning the ropes, but so did we all. Keep writing and it gets better. I should show you my early drafts.

I like the time lord, but I have a lord of fate. would they interact, I wonder.