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Post by Drake on Apr 13, 2014 15:44:38 GMT -5
Issue 1 is up!
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Post by Stardrifter on Apr 13, 2014 19:31:37 GMT -5
A bit short. A bit underdeveloped. It didn't really wow me as a first issue.
My biggest problem is your descriptions. Or rather, lack thereof. I don't know these characters, except for Jamie, so I have no idea what they're supposed to look like. And as the author, you didn't give me much to go on.
It's easy to hand wave it with Superman or Batman. Everyone knows what they look like. But beyond Harper having a mohawk, I'm clueless. What color hair? Eyes? Is she big or small? Does her costume have patterns on it? Does her mask cover her entire head? Just some of her face? I don't have any answers to these and they were always in the back of my mind as I read.
Otherwise it was serviceable. A small mystery. Not much to go on. Keep em coming.
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Post by Drake on Apr 13, 2014 20:40:14 GMT -5
K. I'll work on it. Thanks!
The next will be much longer! When I first plotted this out, I thought it would be much longer. Turned out it wasn't more than 1600 words.
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Post by adrini on Apr 13, 2014 22:25:04 GMT -5
A solid start. Great hook with "checkmate". Descriptions can wait till personal scenes, the one you had was really good. Just need to do so in the early chapters. More then one at a time can lessen effect. I love the idea in weaving worlds together. Let's go for it! Ollie would be thrilled to help and make world integration that much easier. Pm coming your way.
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Post by thejellyfish on Apr 14, 2014 1:29:25 GMT -5
I liked the first issue, especially the beginning. I'm a sucker for these kind of super hero murder mysteries. I do feel that the build up to the end could have been done better. It just kind of whimpered out, in my opinion. I agree with adrini, save descriptions for the personal scenes, you gave us everything we really needed to know with the one in this issue.
I am excited for this title, since it seems to be the closest thing this site has to a Teen Titans or Young Justice.
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Post by Drake on Apr 14, 2014 8:33:54 GMT -5
I'm glad you both liked it! Thanks for reviewing!
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Post by Drake on May 12, 2014 18:02:24 GMT -5
Updated The Nest Files!
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Post by Drake on Jun 29, 2014 20:44:19 GMT -5
Issue 2 is up!
This started really slow for me, but writing that last scene kind of reinvigorated the plot in this series for me. Leave it to action to get me going. Also, the ending turned out quite different from what I'd originally planned. I guess the story just changed in the writing. It felt more natural this way. That means the plot for next issue will change a little, but not much.
Anyway, enough with the rambling! Check it out!
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Post by adrini on Jun 30, 2014 17:01:00 GMT -5
A few notes but over all I liked it.
It felt oddly rushed, somehow. Part of it is that dialogue was standing alone, something I try to reserve for the same reason. Part of I can't explain. Maybe the room needed to be described, I don't know.
I liked the characters and their surface personalities. The last scene got a little deeper. Harper was fun, not a push over - a real risk in female characters. I think mostly you just need time/triggers to explore pasts, quirks/etc and they characters will flash out alot more. But this was also chapter two, so I can't exactly grill you there. It comes in time.
The action was fun, and the reaction of a kid figuring out a secret was classic, that was great. I can see a really good story coming out of this.
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Post by Drake on Jun 30, 2014 21:26:25 GMT -5
Thanks for the review!
It was a little rushed. I think if I spent a little more time detailing a few things it would have flowed a little better.
Pasts will come. My third arc will feature both Beetle's and Static's (yet to be introduced) families and personal lives. My second deals some with Bunker's past and family. Throughout the entire story I'll be working through Impulse, Ms Martian, Harper, and Valor's pasts. Theirs tie directly into the plot.
I'm glad you liked it! I really am having fun with it, and I think you'll enjoy the lighter tone it will hit in later arcs. I'm trying to make this have a similar tone to Young Justice the show with fun, quirky characters and plots deepened out by more mature themes.
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Post by adrini on Jun 30, 2014 21:39:05 GMT -5
No complains. I adore YJ. One of the best super hero projects ever made.
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Post by Drake on Jun 30, 2014 23:10:49 GMT -5
Totally agreed.
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Post by Drake on Jul 1, 2014 11:57:26 GMT -5
Updated The Nest files
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Post by Stardrifter on Jul 1, 2014 12:21:03 GMT -5
I agree it all felt a bit rushed. You kinda ran through BB's intro and backstory a bit fast.
I'm not sure how I feel about the Harper/Jaime scene. While I can believe his actions could really happen, he just comes across as a bit of a dumbass. Hitting on her out of nowhere, revealing he has x-Ray vision, proving it in the creepiest, most violating way possible. Bad decisions and creeper undertones.
Now none of that is inherently bad writing, unless you didn't want me as the reader to feel that way. If that's what you were going for, mission accomplished. But I'm not sure if you wanted me to dislike one of your heroes. So I'm confused.
Otherwise it was a decent issue. Keep em coming.
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Post by Drake on Jul 1, 2014 12:30:28 GMT -5
Thanks for the review!
I purposely intended for Jaime to be a bit of a pervy creep. That was definitely intentional. But unlikeable? I dunno...he's certainly not the sharpest tool on the shed but he is nice and he risked his life for Harper and Cam. Hell I'd argue he saved Harper's life twice. To be fair, you haven't seen much of him but he's kind of like Han-- a bit of an ass but he's got a heart of gold.
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Post by buck on Jul 1, 2014 20:20:36 GMT -5
It's really easy to tell you have been struggling with this series. You normally have a good sense of pace in your titles, but so far in this one your all over the place. The first two issues have been pretty short which has hurt your overall flow. You've been bouncing back and forth between breakneck and snail's pace.
Your characters are the strong point of the series. I look forward to seeing them being developed more as the series progresses, but thus far you've done an excellent job with them.
Look forward to issue three.
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Post by Drake on Jul 1, 2014 22:09:13 GMT -5
Thanks for the review!
That's a totally fair critique, buck. To a certain extent, I think fight scenes should be faster paced and personal scenes should be slower, but you are right, I'm flipping around too much and I'm way too inconsistent.
I'm glad you like the characters! It's certainly something I'm having fun with in this title!
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Post by DiscipleofBob on Jul 2, 2014 12:35:00 GMT -5
#1: I've been having difficulty giving this chapter a proper review because, to be honest, there isn't very much to hold my interest. While no one should expect everything to come together in the first chapter, a first chapter should establish at least one interesting character and have enough of a starting plot to hook the reader in. While the Checkmate mystery is kind of intriguing, without either a likable hero for me to root for or a dastardly villain to root against, I don't have any stake as a reader if the checkmate mystery gets solved or if they triumph.
The core character you're centering around is Harper, and I agree with Star on several details here. More description of her costume, style, and otherwise persona would have helped to visualize and understand the character. Even the gadgets could use more description because right now I'm picturing a Joker/Toyman fighting style where she throws different colored toy balls at the bad guy. Judging from her stoically generic stoicness, that doesn't sound like what you were going for.
Personality is the other major thing lacking in her character. I wouldn't expect fully three dimensional characters this early in the story, but they at least be somewhat interesting or likable. All we get from Harper besides generic super heroics and detective plot exposition in her batcave (neither of which add anything to her character), is her being a jerk to her brother. She's apparently so bad at the secret identity thing her brother's already figured out and her response is just "shut up and do your homework."
I know absolutely nothing about the original comic character, so I can't judge you on accuracy, but if this was a solo title starring Bluebird, as a reader I'd think twice before continuing to follow her story.
But I've always liked Blue Beetle so this could get better soon...
#2:
...And he's a creep. This jumps far out of lovable rascal territory and has jumped straight into creepy Japanese old guy. And Harper's reaction to his sudden out of place flirting and his ogling is to blush and call him "charismatic?" She's not winning any points either, especially with her new plan of taking him directly to the secret base knowing full well that there's nothing she can do to blindfold him or anything of the sort, which Batwing rightfully points out. I was honestly hoping that scene was due to the scarab briefly taking over and glitching and some kind of pheromones like Harper suggested.
Valor we don't see enough of to really make a call on him one way or another, but we can clearly see that Bluebird fails in the secret HQ department as well as secret identities. Valor being forced to fight but having enough presence of mind to instruct the group how to defeat him feels really convenient.
You keep mentioning that you're trying to pull off a Young Justice, and I think that's part of the problem. With other titles you seem to know exactly where you're going and it shows, but here you're trying to fit a group of square pegs into round holes. This is Outsiders, not Young Justice. What that exactly means is up to you, but from a completely personal viewpoint, I would expect this to be the team of social outcasts and misfits, which you could still very much do. Harper's rookie mistakes and antisocial tendencies could be explored. Jaime could act like a creep maybe because he's led a sheltered life and doesn't know how to acceptably talk to women and honestly doesn't know any better.
The point is that this story is still in its early stages and you have time to find your footing here as you did with your other very well written stories. If I had to give you one piece of advice, it would be don't try to be Young Justice. Don't try to emulate anyone. Do your own thing. It's worked well for you in the past.
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Post by Drake on Jul 2, 2014 13:18:20 GMT -5
Thanks for the review!
That's actually really good advice. Maybe I am trying too hard to write someone else's story.
Of any character, Harper is most like her comic book counterpart. She's a bit of a b**** but she's also tough as nails, smart and strong willed. Beetle on the other hand has obviously gone through some big changes. I think I'll tone down the creepiness in the future, but I think it's fair to remember he's a teenager. Teens are stupid *points to self*. Also there's a reason for it but it's not quite the one you guessed. It's interesting you mention The Scarab hijacking him a bit....
There's a very real reason why Valor tells them his weakness. It'll be explained over the next few chapters.
Over all you've got solid points. I'm a little lost on how Harper isn't at least slight intriguing. I mean, keeping her secret from her brother is obviously to keep him safe. But I guess I am the writer so it's hard to not be biased. I think you'll like next issue a lot more. The two characters I introduce should both be likable, and a lot of things are explained.
Oh and they are Outsiders but that'll be more of a thematic thing you'll figure out over time as their back stories are developed.
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Post by Drake on Jul 2, 2014 13:25:01 GMT -5
I feel like I should probably explain why I changed Jaime's character so much. He originally wasn't going to act anything like that, but the more and more he was developed the more I realized he was a bit boring. So I decided to throw the perviness in there as teen boy-esque humor...I guess I went too Michael Bay there.
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