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Post by DiscipleofBob on Jul 2, 2014 14:35:29 GMT -5
See, Jaime's character was fine before the random perv. I still think that the deviance has the potential to be interesting, perhaps if it was treated by other characters as seriously as something like that should be. But not when you have the target blush like an anime schoolgirl.
Having a secret identity is not a personality trait, it's a checkbox on the list to determine if you're a comic book character. I don't get a "protective" vibe from Harper at all. If anything she just seemed annoyed by her brother's presence.
The whole 'keep my secret identity to protect my loved ones' shtick has been debunked every time a loved one actually does learn the truth, and they almost always end up making the hero's life easier. Still it's a comic book trope so one I can't judge too harshly, but it still holds less water when it comes to the brother because it's been established he already knows.
She doesn't interest me because she's off-putting, coming off as a jerk even to those like her brother she supposedly cares about. She doesn't really try to convince her brother he's wrong, she just gives the reason of because she says so. Her reaction to Jaime's "flirting" makes it seem like she reacted favorably to what should be considered a very violating act, giving the impression that she'd fall for that kind of behavior, making her kind of a tool as well.
There's still plenty of potential for you to take these characters, even with their established flaws, and turn them into characters that are interesting to read because of their respective character flaws, not in spite of them. For the record, Batwing is probably my favorite so far just because he calls out Bluebird on the stupidity or bringing a stranger in an alien suit straight to her secret base.
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Post by Drake on Jul 2, 2014 18:25:35 GMT -5
See, Jaime's character was fine before the random perv. I still think that the deviance has the potential to be interesting, perhaps if it was treated by other characters as seriously as something like that should be. But not when you have the target blush like an anime schoolgirl. Having a secret identity is not a personality trait, it's a checkbox on the list to determine if you're a comic book character. I don't get a "protective" vibe from Harper at all. If anything she just seemed annoyed by her brother's presence. The whole 'keep my secret identity to protect my loved ones' shtick has been debunked every time a loved one actually does learn the truth, and they almost always end up making the hero's life easier. Still it's a comic book trope so one I can't judge too harshly, but it still holds less water when it comes to the brother because it's been established he already knows. She doesn't interest me because she's off-putting, coming off as a jerk even to those like her brother she supposedly cares about. She doesn't really try to convince her brother he's wrong, she just gives the reason of because she says so. Her reaction to Jaime's "flirting" makes it seem like she reacted favorably to what should be considered a very violating act, giving the impression that she'd fall for that kind of behavior, making her kind of a tool as well. There's still plenty of potential for you to take these characters, even with their established flaws, and turn them into characters that are interesting to read because of their respective character flaws, not in spite of them. For the record, Batwing is probably my favorite so far just because he calls out Bluebird on the stupidity or bringing a stranger in an alien suit straight to her secret base. Harper didn't blush at his perviness. She slapped him. Harp blushed when he flirted with her earlier, which was mostly because guys tend to look at Harper in disgust because of her piercings and hairstyle...which I kind of touched on with Harper's "no ever does that to me" moment.
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Post by Drake on Jul 3, 2014 22:20:04 GMT -5
Issue 3 is up! I got a lot of writing done in the past few days. Check it out!
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Post by buck on Jul 3, 2014 23:32:51 GMT -5
Your dialogue has been excellent in this series. Especially in comparison to the teen series we see from the Big Two where it's obvious the writer's spend no time trying to make the dialogue even semi-authentic.
Alright, so the first scene in the Checkmate cafeteria bugs me. This is where your pacing is hurting you. You introduce not one, but two new characters and the first thing they do is a prison break. It would have helped tremendously to show us a bit of the life on the inside. Slow down enough to have Virgil show Miguel the ropes a bit and let the two interact without powers for just a bit.
Need some more time proofreading as exemplified by "Heads on your head" when the group first got outside.
How is Virgil an expert on bombs? He seems to know that it's completely taken care of not sure how, but he does.
You missed a major opportunity by glancing over the groups chit chat. If you'd developed that as a scene you could have started to develop them into well rounded characters and began showing their interpersonal relationships.
Overall, not a bad issue, but your pacing is way too frantic. You need to slow down and let the characters breath some. Let the readers get to know them a bit. You've got an interesting story here, but your pacing is killing you, but I'll be here when number four comes around.
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Post by Drake on Jul 4, 2014 0:51:06 GMT -5
Thanks for the review!
I definitely feel like I've got a decent handle on teen dialogue. I'd hope so, considering I'm fairly young myself.
You're certainly not wrong about my pacing issue. It's been pointed out before. My only real problem with it is that I want to write a fast-paced story, and really slowing down for things like a "team dynamic" seems pointless when I can establish it while the plot progresses or during an action sequence. I don't disagree with the critique, but I do struggle between slowing myself down and potentially allowing the plot to lumber forward or continuing with a fast pace but establishing characters that otherwise may find themselves established, just over time instead of over a couple issues.
I probably should have reread this a couple more times. I only read it once.
Virgil sent a short-ranged, personalized EMP through Valor's body, so any bomb in his body should have been neutralized. At least, according to Valor. There's a lot of information flying around. Which of it is true or not is yet to be seen....
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Post by Stardrifter on Jul 6, 2014 21:55:45 GMT -5
I wasn't feeling this one. I agree that your pacing is off.
All of these characters congregate to the Nest and then just...become a team? Because? Oh sure, they don't TRUST each other. But they don't KNOW each other. Why are they telling each other their real names? Why are Virgil and Miguel even staying? They just got out of prison, Virgil for 6 months. Valor just tried to kill them, why aren't they restraining him? Because now he says he's better? There's more, so much that just doesn't feel real. It feels like your characters are acting for the plot instead of your characters acting like people and thus creating the plot. If that makes sense.
All in all it wasn't horrible or anything. I just think it's well beneath what you're capable of. Keep em coming.
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Post by Drake on Jul 6, 2014 23:38:21 GMT -5
There's a reason none of it makes sense. There's a reason these kids are just immediately joining up together. Trust me, I am aware of the unreality of it all.
I might as well hint at it because you guys have mentioned it so much: Ms Martian. That's all I'll say but I think it's self explanatory.
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Post by Stardrifter on Jul 7, 2014 0:08:45 GMT -5
I've brought this up in other reviews. It's all well and good to say there's a reason, but if you aren't making it clear to the reader that something is causing the unreality of the situation while they're reading it, then it doesn't matter. You might have lost your reader because they just see it as bad writing.
Now I knew there was stuff going on, mysteries and the like, but they're frankly stupid behavior didn't come across as one of them.
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Post by Drake on Jul 7, 2014 9:21:23 GMT -5
That's totally fair. I've dropped the ball here.
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Post by DiscipleofBob on Jul 8, 2014 21:44:27 GMT -5
I started reading this when you initially posted, but it was very clearly rushed. I felt I was looking at a first draft, so I waited a bit before finishing.
The pacing is so rushed I feel like I'm watching this in fast-forward. The prison, the breakout, the arrival at the Nest (which by the way is WAY too convenient to be remotely believable), the battle with Valor. These are all things that should have been stretched out over at least twice as many chapters. Instead it's all rushed and crashed together.
As Star said, if there's a reason that all these ridiculously convenient events are happening simultaneously, then you need to do more to make it clear that these are supposed to be some questionable circumstances. There's a little bit of that, but not enough to really balance it.
If you wanted the team to get together right away you should have just started with them having already joined and gone into the origins later. Other than previous knowledge of other incarnations of these characters, I have no idea who any of these characters are other than a vague idea of what their powers are.
If you put this next to your Aquaman, your Guardians of the Galaxy, your Captain Marvel, I wouldn't believe these were done by the same person.
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Post by Drake on Jul 8, 2014 22:01:09 GMT -5
Well it seems I've really screwed myself with this story. To be honest, I'm getting a bit tired of the convenience complaints so I'm going to reveal why this is all happening next chapter, which will actually change my plot dramatically....
Whatever. It's probably for the better.
Anyway, thanks for the review!
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Post by adrini on Jul 8, 2014 23:55:36 GMT -5
I liked it fine.
The "rush" seemed to fit, to me anyway. Getting out of prison ins't a casual thing. The tone fits. There's people in a really bad place with a lot they need to do so keeping the tempo on that quick didn't bother me. It fit.
I do think there needs to be more character exploration later - when they aren't in prison, or being hunted, or fighting to survive. Logic and all that.
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