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Post by cross on Sept 9, 2014 10:22:19 GMT -5
The first issues is up.
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Post by adrini on Sept 9, 2014 13:34:50 GMT -5
Sorry for the delay. Had a few things to see to.
This is a really strong opening. That Thomas isn't a super trained, awesome hero from the get to makes him extremely sympathetic. He's also very much the hero on rebound which is somewhere most of us hahve been. We know how much it sucks. The introductions are awesome, the referance to MMA was inspired and the whole thing had a wonderful feel.
The only thing I was looking for, and I can't really tell you why, is some kind of pop or familiar face at the end of the chapter. What I who it could have been I have no idea. Other then that VERY well done.
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Post by cross on Sept 9, 2014 13:51:21 GMT -5
Thank you. I was worried about length so I added the very end paragraph. I was going to end it with the "We have questions" comment. I wasn't a big fan of the ending. But im pretty critical of my own work.
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Post by Drake on Sept 9, 2014 15:04:06 GMT -5
You could use a beta reader. There's a number of grammar errors. Secondly, I'm a bit hesitant of Thomas and the other guy trusting each other so quickly. It certainly moves the plot along more quickly, and you may build on it in the future but it was a bit odd. Lastly, some of the dialogue felt very unnatural. It was really the order of the words. Again, something a bets reader could help with.
On the plus side, Thomas is sympathetic, kinda funny and bad ass. I liked this issue quite a bit but the grammar and dialogue brought it down for me.
6.75/10 with the expectation it'll get better.
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Post by cross on Sept 9, 2014 16:20:58 GMT -5
I can do that for sure. Thanks for the input.
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Post by cross on Sept 9, 2014 16:22:09 GMT -5
I doubt it helps but Thomas took to trusting William so fast because he realized the mistake he had made by thinking that William was one of the bad guys.
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Post by adrini on Sept 9, 2014 18:08:47 GMT -5
Little things like this come clear over time, and in alot of our stories there are actions that may not make sense for chapters after. Take it one day at a time.
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Post by Stardrifter on Sept 9, 2014 19:27:16 GMT -5
I will say this first. I do like what you're trying to do. The story is good and the characters are interesting.
Now that said, the issue was a bit of a mess. Lots of errors. I personally did not like the shifting back and forth between third and first person. And my God I got sick of the word Cape.
All in all though, it was a strong beginning story wise. My problems all came from the format, not the plot. So with a little work and maybe a proofreader, there's a lot of potential here. Keep em coming.
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Post by cross on Sept 9, 2014 20:29:59 GMT -5
After I had posted it I realized that Cape was overused. I like the term but I over used it. I already have a proof reader lined out for my next issue so hopefully I can get my grammatical issues worked out. I will try and only use third person on the next issue. I was trying to figure out which style I could get use to with this one.
Thanks for the comments everyone.
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Post by DiscipleofBob on Sept 10, 2014 22:19:52 GMT -5
The grammar issues are there, but I wouldn't worry about them too much. You'll improve over time. Just as a tip, I'd give yourself more time if possible to proofread your chapter instead of posting something as soon as possible. It's really difficult to proofread something you've only just written. You can switch between first and third person view if you have a good reason for it and make the transition clear, say use italics and first-person view for Catman's personal thoughts.
Despite that, the content of your issue is solid. Catman comes across as a fun character. His moderate incompetence makes him sympathetic, but it doesn't make him seem pathetic or useless. What you have here is a strong opening for a story that shines through despite the grammar issues, which is always better than a writer with perfect grammar but a completely dull plot.
Good work, I look forward to reading more.
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Post by cross on Oct 6, 2014 9:06:44 GMT -5
Second issue has been posted.
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Post by adrini on Oct 6, 2014 9:23:39 GMT -5
I proof read. Blame me not him.
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Post by Drake on Oct 6, 2014 17:53:47 GMT -5
Nice issue. Certainly better than #1 in both grammar and plot. Ambush Bug was fun, Cayce is pretty cool now, and you've got Thomas' voice down pat. While I do like that you're moving things along quickly, it might be a little too quick. There's no personal plot outside the war against crime, and I hate to say it but if that's all you got then it'll get stale fast.
7.25/10
BTW, it's either 'Haven or the Haven, not Haven. Wachter corrected me on that a while ago.
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Post by cross on Nov 11, 2014 9:43:46 GMT -5
Issue 3 is up. This is the end of the "Origin" story arc.
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Post by Drake on Nov 13, 2014 10:32:38 GMT -5
Nice issue. Certainly the best yet. The action was done well, the characters shined through and I'm liking the underdog (or undercat?) thing your going with for the title.
Catman is certainly badass enough but he should be a little more competent in knowing how to arrest/convict people. Hopefully he learns from his mistakes.
Not much else to say. 7.75/10. I look forward to more.
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Post by cross on Nov 15, 2014 11:10:46 GMT -5
These starting issues are just him getting use to being a cape and getting use to the city and its baddies. But this is Catman. He's bound fail it up. Im glad you all are enjoying the book so far. I have lots of stuff planned as of right now.
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Post by cross on Dec 3, 2014 10:28:50 GMT -5
Issue 3 is posted.
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Post by Ultimate Silentking on Dec 3, 2014 12:53:19 GMT -5
You mean issue 4.
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Post by cross on Dec 3, 2014 19:42:40 GMT -5
Good spot. Not sure why I put 3.
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Post by Drake on Dec 3, 2014 22:29:39 GMT -5
I really liked this issue. It definitely took the next step in your story, and developed the characters. Icicle is an interesting choice for the title, and all of the characters stand out as independent and unique (except for Icicle personality-wise, but it's his first issue).
Weak points: Cam jumped from 'what the hell?' to 'I am God' way too quickly. You pulled a full on Flash Pilot there, only Mardon had months to go nuts. Kitrina's plot is certainly interesting, but I don't understand why she acts so cold around everyone except Thomas. I mean, they all help out with the crime fighting, so it couldn't (or maybe shouldn't) be that that inspires her to like him.
My biggest problem is the dialogue. About a third of it is relatively unnatural, which makes it really hard for the quips and speaking humor to come off as funny. The ending 'Should we call him Icicle?' bit wasn't all that funny, just because of the way it was worded. Earlier on, when Thomas is explaining how he took out Icicle to Kitrina, he entered as if he was in the middle of the story - 'So there I was...' For me at least, this is hurting the title badly. Still, I'm really enjoying it and I think it gets better with each issue.
7.8/10
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