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Post by Drake on Mar 4, 2015 19:03:17 GMT -5
Gonna type up thoughts as I read this.
-Your bad guys maybe cuss a little too much. It's realistic, sure, but it's also distracting. That's a nitpick though. -"Kate mad." Nice. -Roy being cool to Thomas literally made Roy 100x more interesting than he had been. Nice guy Roy is awesome! -You say Kate doesn't care what Thomas hears twice. We only need it once. Nitpick. -The 'my team has a 'Diggle' comment was both random, weird, and funny. -Learning Tommy's backstory was interesting. Thomas was a screwed up kid. I like it. Redemption is always an interesting story. -BC jumping so quickly to killing was unnerving. I guess I get it, but you'd think at least Kate would speak up. If you read 'Haven, you can tell Kate doesn't have a problem with torture, but murder? That's a different story. -How the hell did Lomax learn to shoot a bow and arrow? He's crazy, so choosing to use it over a gun is fine, but how did he learn to use it at all? -"Thomas in position." was hilarious, but odd. He goes by Catman, right? -How the hell did Thomas catch the arrow? -Burgundy Canary? Okay.... -Never mind. That's creepy as hell. She's like something out of a freaking Stephen King novel. -Thomas' whole "heroes don't kill" thing made me wonder....what changed him? Why does he want to be a hero now? -Jade should've totally pulled the "we aren't even friends" to the Super Friends comment. -Not really sure where that last scene fits in.
7.5/10. I liked it, but I thought it was worse than the last few issues.
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Post by cross on Mar 7, 2015 7:50:27 GMT -5
I had it as 'Catman in position' originally but changed it because I remember Tyomas saying that Catman is a Hub City Exclusive.
Thomas being anti killing was him being inspired and influenced by these superheroes in front of him. In his mind they are what he is trying to be. When they start acting like him it crushes his perception of heroes.
The last scene was Thomas right before the Catman book started. He decides to leave his old life behind.
Peter trained with the bow. He wasn't amazing with it but he could still shoot one.
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Post by cross on Apr 8, 2015 9:42:50 GMT -5
Issue 8 is up. Its shorter than normal.
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Post by cross on Apr 8, 2015 9:43:01 GMT -5
Issue 8 is up. Its shorter than normal.
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Post by Drake on Apr 9, 2015 20:43:06 GMT -5
Going scene by scene again... -It's funny, but Thomas' dialogue near the end was clunky. "I don't have any injuries" seems a little OOC for him. Hell, it would be awkward for anyone. He seems like more of a casual "Not hurt. That's a first," type of guy. Then again it's your title. I could be totally wrong. Also, it's a nitpick. -Continuity! -I love how ridiculously unheroic our heroes are. Stealing money, even from baddies? Fantastic. The mixture of antiheroes, humor and fun in a title is rather unusual and incredible welcome. -Some more awkward dialogue. -Like last issue, you have a case of stating the same thing twice. "In front of him stood a large gathering of native people watching a fight take place in a fenced off area. They were watching an organized street fight." You also worded that awkwardly. You should usually stick prepositions like "in front of him" in the middle of the sentence. -Nice fight. Shows Tom's ability. Then the ending! Not exactly unexpected, but cool. -More awkward dialogue. Actually, all the dialogue was a bit rough in the Bug-napping scene. -BUG NAPPING! Two kidnapping/knockout scenes back to back? I sense a trend in the Force. -Also, you really like mentioning people stroking their beards. What's with all the Gandalfs? -Creepy ninja people. Totally fun. -Portuglish (my crappy Portuguese/English mixture name) was weird. -Damn, Reverend Hersheys (what I'm calling him now) is a bastard! -Rev. Heshey cussing was weird. It just seems OOC, even for a Christ-less preacher. -ARGUS being helpful and not sketchy? Weird, but okay. I like it. It's a change from the usual shady organization trope. -Interesting development with the Mayor. 7/10. A bit weak for you, but I expect it'll pick up next issue. I can't wait to see where the Mayor and Ashram plotlines go!
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Post by cross on Apr 9, 2015 21:24:07 GMT -5
I'm really trying on the awkward dialogue issues I have. I'm going focus on that in my next issue and try to get it nailed down.
The running his hand through his beard was only one guy. The bus driver was the reverend. I probably should have described him better for that to be more obvious.
I'm getting back into the action in the next issue so I considered this a soft warm up for getting everything set up.
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Post by Drake on Apr 9, 2015 21:49:31 GMT -5
That makes so much more sense. Hell, it's a great literary tool you used. I knew things were sketchy, but, well, great job! Sorry I didn't pick up on that. I'm exhausted, so part of my issue with this issue (LOL) could have just been that.
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Post by ericthepilot on Apr 19, 2015 1:02:11 GMT -5
This one might have been a bit short, but it was certainly packed with some interesting things.
Cicada's an interesting choice for a bad guy here, but you're ultimizing him nicely, expanding him from his traditional Flash-centric role into a crusade against metahumans in general. Should be interesting to see how his crusade against the meta goes compared to Armand Krol's. One wonders if they'll wind up as rivals, or if their interests will intersect.
I liked the sequence with Tom in the jungle, the fight sequence was great and he's proving to be his usual bombastic self. I certainly hope the Ashram doesn't beat that out of him. Not sure what's in store for him there, but I certainly can't wait until he gets back into the city - though hopefully it's not a Luke leaving Yoda in Empire kind of thing. Better to go back fully prepared.
It was nice though seeing some of the other characters start to get a little bit of time to shine as well - Ambush Bug was fun to see bouncing around the city and not afraid at all to get in on the action, even if it doesn't end up quite the way he expected.
You're continuing to build into something exciting, and the story is starting to come together nicely. Can't wait to see what's next.
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Post by DiscipleofBob on Apr 19, 2015 18:16:08 GMT -5
Catching up on reviews for this story.
2
The first line reads "neo light" instead of "neon light." Now I'll say right now that your writing in terms of spelling and grammar improves significantly from chapter 1 to chapter 8, but you should be especially wary of obvious errors in the beginning of your chapters. That's where your chapter is giving the reader a first impression of what this chapter's reading experience is going to be like, and you never want that to be negative. This is part of why introductions are so generally difficult when writing... well, anything really. Obviously it's important to try and catch errors in the middle/end of a chapter, but less so since the reader is much more likely to read over them.
The location has excellent flavor. I'd just gotten done playing the Deadpool video game, and it reminded me of the shithole apartment in the game. Wonderful work setting the flavor.
Also good job setting up the costume and equipment. Details like those are important to address in stories like this, but it's equally important to not spend too much or too little time addressing them.
The spelling/grammar is mostly fine by this point. Really it's only that first line that's hurting your chapter. You've got action scenes down pat, something that can take other writers a few issues to really master.
My only major complaint is that the use of Present Tense makes me want to flip a table.
3
Now we're in past tense again. Didn't know this story was going to involve time travel. Seriously though, stick with the past tense.
You go overboard on ellipses. Generally it's just three dots and a space when you use ellipses.
Considering this is chapter 3 and by now you're on chapter 8, this is going to come a little late, but personally I could do without the sound effects. I'm not hearing the actual sound effects, I'm hearing the one guy from Spaceballs making funny noises.
Present tense! Time lord!
I do like Kitrina's introduction, though the implied incestuous sex slave is a bit dark for my tastes. Thankfully you don't go anywhere explicit so it's not bad at all.
"underage sex save" is a line here.
There's one bit of plot here I don't understand. Mario Falcone has Catman at gunpoint. He's already said how he plans to pin all these murders on him. How does Catman turn that into handcuffing and injuring Falcone? Does Falcone just sit there and think that Catman won't kill him? Why? Catman's killed other guards.
In fact I'm still not sure why Catman doesn't kill Falcone. I can understand if maybe he had some reservations about killing, but he didn't seem to have that problem earlier and if anything he has more of a reason to kill Falcone now. I read back but I can't find any reason.
4
For this chapter only, "this kid" replaces "cape" for the Catman drinking game. You don't seem to have this repetition problem in later chapters, but just make sure you don't use the same words and phrases too often together. Difficult sometimes I know, but it will help.
As usual, the action is excellently written.
Okay, I mentioned my earlier disconnect with sound effects. If this works for you and other readers, fine, ignore me. But when Catman "slammed him face first into the steering wheel. HONK!" I got the image of Catman smashing a clown's head against the steering wheel and making a squeaky noise with the horn and couldn't stop laughing.
Easy grammar mistake, but I notice you confuse your "there, they're, and their" at times. One of those especially frustrating things that spell check might not pick up.
Exactly how does a tank navigate side streets inconspicuously? I'm genuinely curious.
I really like Kitrina even from her few appearances so far. Maybe it's the human element she adds to the hardened vigilantes, but as a character she really works for me.
Was that a Static reference? Is Icicle a 'Bang Baby?' That's awesome.
Superman should be capitalized. Minor grammar bit.
Going from ice powers to god complex is a bit much, but I suppose it's reasonable for a guy with fresh superpowers to get a bit delusional off the high.
5
"The Icicles wide open as Catman takes his shot." TIME LORD!
I find it odd that they ask specifically for a 'female' doctor. Really just giving the name should have been enough.
Still on the god complex. Even if his new metahuman biology eliminates the need for things like food or drink, he's going to have needs and wants that are going to cost money. I guess you can chalk this up to his arrogance. It's still weird since he's not even the only cryokinetic in the world and there are probably plenty of more famous ones.
So a doctor who specializes in meta human medical science has never seen a cryokinetic? That seems like one of the more common types of powers that should be studied.
I am wondering whether Cameron's dad would also have ice powers as the original Icicle or not. I suppose if he did, then his family either doesn't know about it or denies it.
End is a bit rushed.
"a donation of an undisclosed amount of money?" So the cops don't get to know how much money they're getting? I can guess what it's supposed to imply, but it's worded strangely.
Again, you have good action and you introduce a few interesting characters in Josiah Power and Armand Krol. Catman deciding now's a good time to leave and train seems like odd timing given the circumstances.
6
This chapter seems to be lacking in your usual descriptions. I know Green Arrow and his team have had a much longer run on the site, but you should still introduce and describe them more when they appear in your title.
A lot of stuff appears to be rushed. The ratio of dialogue to action is a lot higher than in your previous chapters, and I think this particular chapter suffers a little because of it.
The crossover stuff is good, with Blake and his kid. The only odd part is how GA seems to have a clear shot and misses, but I guess there's a reason for that.
7
The transitions between the present and flashbacks are not well defined. Maybe you should have a header like "Six months ago" or use italics for the flashbacks or something. For chapters six and seven you seem to use a lot more dialogue and sound effects as opposed to actual descriptions of what's going on and who's saying what. With so many characters in one scene, it's like watching the scene in the dark. The dialogue and sound effects need more context. It's only in these last two chapters that this seems to be a problem. In previous chapters it works just fine.
Why would the mob boss kill Peter's family if he was trying to motivate Peter on the payroll? That pretty much has no other possible result than betrayal. He's ensuring Peter's eternal hate and that Peter has nothing to lose. This seems like an ill-advised disciplinary measure.
8
Parachute is misspelled. Again this goes back to the early errors are often the most damaging to a story.
While the focus on Ambush Bug is fun, that seems like a very oddly specific and convenient trap. Does the bus driver just happen to drive recklessly and hope that specific superhero shows up to help before the police or anyone else without any collateral damage in the meantime?
I don't think Argus is an acronym, but I might be guilty of writing it as such in the past so if so, that's more my fault than ours.
You really don't need to write the full text in Portugese when I promise you the majority of your readers don't understand any of it. It's just gibberish and extra padding.
Overall, this is a fun series with street-level not-quite-amateur superhero work. You have the action down solid from the beginning. The sound effects I would personally leave out, but by now you and others might be used to them. Though I seriously want you to write Onomatopeia as a villain now.
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Post by cross on Apr 19, 2015 18:54:04 GMT -5
Thank you for the review. I'm trying extremely hard to catch misspellings and grammar errors. I'm also trying to keep it past tense as much as I can now.
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Post by Drake on Apr 19, 2015 19:17:46 GMT -5
ARGUS is an acronym. It stands for Advanced Research Group Uniting Superhumans.
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Post by DiscipleofBob on Apr 19, 2015 19:55:09 GMT -5
ARGUS is an acronym. It stands for Advanced Research Group Uniting Superhumans. Huh. Didn't know that. I just knew the Greek titan root.
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Post by adrini on May 31, 2015 12:05:23 GMT -5
Look! I'm reviewing!
A lot of good action here! Thomas training is gearing up, and an intro was absolutely needed. Jade seems to have a history there. I almsot think we should decide what it is.
The ARGUS twist was great. I love out the "bad guy" organizations are beginning to show up.
It was a great chapter. Keep it up.
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Post by cross on Aug 18, 2015 16:51:17 GMT -5
After a 3 month hiatus, Catman is back! Issue #9 is posted! Thanks to everyone for being understanding during the hiatus. Sorry it took so long to get back.
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Post by Drake on Aug 18, 2015 17:33:49 GMT -5
Nice issue. I'm glad you decided to pick up where you left off. With that said, we could've used a "Previously in Catman" summary because it's been a while. Hell, I couldn't remember who Onyx was for the life of me.
Dialogue continues to be your biggest weakness. A lot of it reads as unnatural and awkward. Even still, your characterization is on point.
There wasn't quite as much humor in this chapter, but that's to be expected with the non-stop action. I missed it, though.
The ending left me wondering wtf was going on. Thomas never left, right? That's an imposter? If so, you should have hinted at it a little better through your writing. If not, you should have had a scene of Thomas leaving the forest.
7.75/10
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Post by cross on Aug 18, 2015 18:40:37 GMT -5
Thanks for the review. I'm going to really try and re-read through the dialog next issue. If it's okay, I may also try to send you my rough draft and have you do some dialog proof reading for me and help me out with it.
I tried to focus on action this issue and like you said the humor wasn't there as much. I'll try to even that out better.
The ending will make sense as the series continues.
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Post by ericthepilot on Aug 18, 2015 18:41:45 GMT -5
Glad to see this one back.
It is a more action-oriented issue, and introduces some interesting new foes into the mix which is nice to see. It seems to continue on from previous issues where there was something of an anti-cape sentiment by many of the people in authority, so it makes sense that there would be villains in the series expressing the same idea. I'm looking forward to seeing where you go with this storyline and think the VATF could make for some very interesting opponents. I'm especially curious to see what the connection is between Kitrina and Cableman.
Another element I liked was the idea that Thomas still thinks about Hub City even while he's in the paradise of the Ashram. The phrase you used to explain his take was really effective as well. I liked that a lot and it explains a lot about his motivations. It certainly makes you think highly of his chances coming back a better hero.
The ending was a little abrupt, and I admit a little confusing. I think I get what you were going for in leaving it open ended (the only reason why I'd think that an imposter was a possibility is because I've stared enough at the MCL to know who you have on your list, though I try not to use that when I'm reading and reviewing). I'm not sure it worked quite as well in application as it might have in your head. It might have worked better if you had seeded the idea a little more that he was ready to leave or at least anxious to get home. There was a hint of it, but nothing more than a little homesickness which quickly got swallowed up by determination to finish his training.
The one question I had though - throughout the issue you refer to a member of the VATF as "Mad Dog", your claims list includes the same character. At least in pre-Flashpoint DC continuity, Mad Dog was a criminal in the era of Jonah Hex so it could prove to be an interesting ultimitization in bringing him to the present day. But the modus operandi, the description, the costume all seem to be much more like Wild Dog - a late 80s gun wielding vigilante that wore a hockey mask. Was this intentional?
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Post by cross on Aug 18, 2015 19:03:45 GMT -5
I messed up the Wild Dog/Mad Dog character name. I did claim the character Wild Dog like you said but I mixed up names and called him Mad Dog. I just went ahead and left it alone. Good Catch though.
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Post by Drake on Aug 18, 2015 19:58:37 GMT -5
Thanks for the review. I'm going to really try and re-read through the dialog next issue. If it's okay, I may also try to send you my rough draft and have you do some dialog proof reading for me and help me out with it. I tried to focus on action this issue and like you said the humor wasn't there as much. I'll try to even that out better. The ending will make sense as the series continues. I'd be happy to help in any way I can.
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Post by cross on Sept 29, 2015 14:19:20 GMT -5
Issue number 10 is posted. Sadly this is the series finale. My home life has become increasingly busy over the past half of a year (Obviously from the hiatus) and I have found that I cant write the Catman book with monthly deadlines. I tried to pull everything together as best as I could and I'm sure this issue wasn't up to my usual output but I really wanted to end this book on the note I did. I tried not to bog down a future writer with storyline issues and went for as open ended ending as I could in case any of these characters were to be used later on. I really am happy with Catman and wanted to thank everyone who helped me grow as a writer with their helpful input. I am not leaving the site by any means and fully plan to write more soon but it will be in mini series formats from now on for me. Thank you all.
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