|
Post by Ultimate Silentking on Nov 2, 2012 23:29:29 GMT -5
Much better! I love this one! I honestly can't find any faults in it, except for a spelling mistake or two. Everything in this is just amazing! 9/10
|
|
|
Post by Stardrifter on Nov 3, 2012 19:38:40 GMT -5
It wasn't bad. The little flashback with Stewart felt out of place. There was no connection with the rest of the issue. It also felt like you were rushing things. Hal comes to grips with his situation practically instantly, Carol accepts it with little more than, "But I must!" as a reason. I understand the desire to just get through the origin, but I feel it hurt the issue.
However the fight was well done, I liked the Alan/Hal dynamic, if rushed. You're definitely getting the space opera feel down. Keep em coming.
|
|
jay
Full Member
Posts: 120
|
Post by jay on Nov 4, 2012 11:17:13 GMT -5
After reading both issues I feel I can honestly give you some good feedback.
Although out of place it did make me understand Jon a little better in your universe. The guy who does the right thing even if it's against orders. I think this flashback could have been better used with Abin Sur though. Since the big complaint is why is Abin so important. I think if you deliver on why Abin is so important to each character in the next issue you'll fix a lot of the issues that have come up with the characterizations of all of the established lanterns. Don't rush an action scene or an exposition scene. I can see each of your guys are clearly motivated. But we need to know why.
Why is Sinestro so strung up on Abin's death?
Why is Alan so dismissive of helping Hal?
These are questions I think you need to ask before you finish this arc. Most importantly is the Charlie Brown syndrome I'm noticing with Hal and Carol's relationship. Hal seemed a bit wishy washy and if he has the greatest will on earth...it did't seem to fit. I'm not criticizing it to much but it was really odd for me to read.
Other than those things I think you got a good feel on the genre. I just think maybe doing a bit of research into Flash Gordon, Buck Rogers, or Star Wars for ideas might help you even improve more. Keep up the good work.
|
|
|
Post by buck on Nov 4, 2012 12:05:34 GMT -5
I'm confused with how your lanterns are structured. Is it like in the main universe where two lanterns per sector or what? Cause Alan Scott was replaced by two lanterns and then I assume Hal received Abin's ring but then who received Guy's ring? I'm hoping you address then when Hal reaches Oa.
|
|
|
Post by The Wonderful Wachter on Nov 9, 2012 18:41:42 GMT -5
Felt like this was a step back from the first issue to the point I wondered how it was my favorite of the first batch. Star and Jay covered most of my issues. Felt rushed and all that and Alan Scott comes across as incredibly dismissive of the whole thing which while I get he "did his part," training a Rookie Lantern means just getting them through their first battle... really? I didn't really see any training happening other than him telling Hal how the ring works. First issue made it seem like Hal was the last hope and that Alan Scott was meant to help light that hope but he mainly pats Hal on the ass and says job well done.
Not that it wasn't a good issue... It was. I enjoyed it. Just felt like a step back in terms of story telling even if you started highlighting other characters like John.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 14, 2012 0:29:11 GMT -5
Still catching up...so some comments.
-this issue had a better flow than #1 except for the flashback with John Stewart. It was a good scene but it was jarring placed where it was in the middle of the story, but as others have mentioned certain elements feel a bit rushed.
-there were several proofreading issues and one grammar nitpick-and this is something I have noticed in every title you have written not unique to GLC-you have a lot of trouble with getting the possessive correct, i.e. using 's to indicate a noun belongs to something. Often you leave out the apostrophe so it look s like the plural not the possessive, or you leave off both the ' and the s, making it an awkward read. It is a persistent error in a lot of your issues, so I am mentioning so you can keep an eye on it when you edit and proofread.
There are many examples of this but one right at the ned illustrates the point best:
"You took my partners life, and now you come to Oa?", Sinestro says
As you wrote it, partners here is plural, indicating the Red Lanterns have killed more than one partner of Sinestro-which is not the case as far as I can tell form the actual story. It should have been "partner's life"
It may seem a silly nitpick, but it changes the meaning of what you wrote, and it has sprung up in just about every issue of every titles you have written that I have read, so I am pointing it out.
Overall, I think the plotting and action scenes are very well done, the characterizations need to be fleshed out and given a little more depth, but are a work in progress,the actual text needs a little more proofreading, etc., but the area I think needs the most work is still the structure and pacing of the story.
I am not sure what your writing technique is, whether you plot first and script later or just sit and write the story as you go along. If it is the later, a little pre-work beating out the issues and the overall arc might help address those structure and pacing issues that are cropping up.
I like this series and I see a lot of potential here, and I hope to see you keep growing as a writer and a storyteller.
-M
|
|
|
Post by unchartedfan1 on Nov 21, 2012 13:24:53 GMT -5
Caught up and I like it so far. The way you throw us into the middle of the war is real unique and it's a brave place to throw at from the very start. I like Stewart (which is something I NEVER thought I'd actually say because he is my second least favorite GL) and I do look forward to more issues.
I never really noticed your lack of 's that MRP pointed out, but come to think of it, it's true, you do skip them a lot.
|
|
|
Post by liquidsword34 on Dec 5, 2012 18:33:05 GMT -5
Issue 3 done
|
|
|
Post by Stardrifter on Dec 5, 2012 19:39:09 GMT -5
I still feel like you're rushing. You're going through the plot so quickly that the characterization suffers, IMO. So much is happening that the characters just brush aside without having time to really think about and react to like real people. It really is my only continued problem with the series. I feel like if you slowed down, let scenes play out more naturally rather than trying to fly through the plot, you could bring the characters to life and have a truly great series going.
The fight scenes were well done. Nice set up with Henshaw and Sinestro. Keep em coming.
|
|
jay
Full Member
Posts: 120
|
Post by jay on Dec 6, 2012 1:13:15 GMT -5
After reading this I think that I would agree about the pacing of the story. That seems to be your only issue because it is playing out like a great space opera with everything you are working on. I did enjoy how you introduced Hank, Mongo, and Saint Walker. The fight with Alan, Guy, Sinestro, and Hal was enjoyable but I felt it could have dragged on a bit longer. I like that you have made Guy kinda the voice that Sinestro had in the comics where he was talking about the Guardians facism and what not. It's something that is needed in your story. Keep up the good work.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 10, 2012 1:25:16 GMT -5
Alright just read issue #3. So some comments...
-I think the scenes at the Warrior's Bar and the fight between Hal and Guy were well done. Good action, sharply written to give it a good flow.
-However the scene on the shuttle with Hank fell flat. It is a scene that should have been filled wit tension and anticipation as the "monster" hunted them, but it just lacked any sense of expectation for me. It felt lackluster, and there were some bits that just plain didn't work. They are in orbit in a shuttle so a zero-G environment, yet Hank can stop dead in his tracks when Dex-Starr attacks Terri? How is that possible in zero-G. Also, all systems are dead and Hank has to use an oxygen tank to breathe because there is no oxygen left on the shuttle yet a fire-that needs oxygen to keep burning- still rages. If there was no oxygen, the fire would be extinguished. So these story logic flaws combined with prose that just didn't flow for me absolutely killed this scene for me.
-you are still missing the apostrophes in your possessives making it necessary to sometimes reread sentences to figure out what was being said, which serves to kill the flow of the story.
-others have mentioned pacing. This issue was so crammed, nothing had room to breathe, which lessened the impact and effectiveness of the scenes in it. It felt like several issues of material were crammed into a single issue-like a writer trying to finish his storyline when he discovers the book was cancelled so he jams everything in. Sometimes less is more. This issue could have ended with Hal and Sinestro being summoned away from Mogo and still been a full issue. It could have ended with the defeat of Guy and been a full jam-packed issue, like a special double-sized issue, but you stuffed even more in, so it felt too full and blunted the impact of each individual segment.
So there were some good bits here, and I like the overall direction of the series, but it could have used a little more proofreading a little revision to make some of the scenes sizzle instead of flounder, and a little judicious editing, leaving some of the material on the cutting room floor or to be recycled in a future issue.
Just my take. Keep writing and I'll keep reading.
-M
|
|
|
Post by buck on Dec 12, 2012 2:29:30 GMT -5
Too much information sensor overload!
I second mrps comments on the length and pacing. I think you covered too much ground with he shaw, walker, Dex- Starr not to mention Sinestro's turning and other bits of lantern politics.
Overall I really felt like we got two issues for the price of one and they each suffered from it. Even being familiar with the mythos I feel too much is being done at once. Great ideas just need some room to breathe.
|
|
|
Post by liquidsword34 on Dec 17, 2012 20:58:07 GMT -5
Final part of the first arc is up
|
|
|
Post by Ultimate Silentking on Dec 19, 2012 1:29:58 GMT -5
I third MRP's comments on issue three. Really, I have nothing else to add. So 7/10 Because the fight scenes were really excellent but everything else was either meh or not good. I will be reading issue 4 right now. I will post what I think of it soon.
|
|
|
Post by Stardrifter on Dec 19, 2012 13:10:12 GMT -5
This issue was much better paced. Very good improvement. There were some errors, but nothing too egregious. The conclusion with Hal and the Battery was well done. Keep em coming.
|
|
|
Post by Ultimate Silentking on Dec 19, 2012 15:55:59 GMT -5
I disagree with Drifter on the Hal and Battery part. Seemed cliched and ended too quickly. Also, Alan seemed a bit too quick to anger. Not to much releasing too much of that anger. But that might have just been because the red ring energy was everywhere. Everything else is good. The big battle between the Lanterns was the best part for me. Plus, this is a good ending to the first arc. 8/10 The good outweighed the bad here.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 25, 2012 3:48:15 GMT -5
So read GLC #4, still like the general direction, but feel you are still struggling with some of the technical aspects of the writing and story telling.
After something on a grand scale I hope we see something on a smaller scale that delves more into the characters before the next major epic launches.
-M
|
|
|
Post by DiscipleofBob on Dec 28, 2012 12:32:18 GMT -5
I have to agree with Silentking, this felt really rushed compared to previous issues. Something like this should have been spread over several issues.
I was excited in the beginning. Atrocitus's plan, the scouting of Ryut, the teamup of the four Lanterns. The exposition was very forced and heavy though, especially every time Bleez spoke, it felt as if she was reading from a script. I understand the need for exposition and explaining things, but when it's that rushed and forced it just feels silly.
And then we go from scouting one of the moons to being introduced to an eldritch deity of rage who would make an excellent Big Bad Villain for the arc... except he immediately gets talked down by the new guy. If all it took was a paragraph to convince an avatar of rage to just suddenly quit, it should never have gotten this far in the first place.
I think what's most disappointing is that the buildup was so good to such a weak climax. Exposition-heavy, yes. Atrocitus's backstory, Bleez's conversation with Atrocitus, all felt forced and said for no reason other than the narrative required it.
I would've preferred if the Green Lanterns had just dealt maybe a significant blow to the Red Lanterns and retreated so that things could be fleshed out some more.
|
|
|
Post by liquidsword34 on Jan 1, 2013 23:51:59 GMT -5
Issue 5 is up
|
|
|
Post by Drake on Jan 2, 2013 12:54:30 GMT -5
I only ever read your first issue, so I can't compare this to your first arc, but so far this is really good. There are definitely some grammar errors that stick out to me, but there's nothing the detracts from the flow of the story. Over all it's exciting and suspenseful. I look forward to more. 7.8/10
|
|