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Post by heroic on Nov 1, 2012 15:32:25 GMT -5
Issue isn't up yet but will be in about an hour, bit late because I had a change of heart in the direction slightly so this is just gonna be a short first issue but hopefully it'll still have a good amount for everyone to get a feel for the series.
Finally got the issue up. Mostly pleased with it but everything should be smooth sailing ahead from now on. The issue itself is mostly a brief background on the series.
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Post by Stardrifter on Nov 1, 2012 23:44:38 GMT -5
I have a number of thoughts to share, but let me preface them by saying it wasn't bad by any means. I don't know how much writing experience you have, but I'm going to go out on a limb and guess little.
1. The formatting of the issue was all over the place. Run on sentences, giant paragraphs, it was a bit of a mess. It could really use a run through to edit some things to make it easier on the eyes.
2. My only real gripe with the story itself is that it was all exposition. After the initial fight scene, it felt like I was reading a Wikipedia summary of a comic series. Which is a shame because you had some great ideas in there. I think you might have done better to take that entire summary of events and actually write those issues! You could have had a couple arcs worth of story there, with some great drama and setting up the world you're in, instead of just cramming it all into this first issue like a recap of some previous series.
That said, I do like the ideas you've presented. I think making Tempest Aquaman's son is an interesting take. I think with a little more time editing the format you'll have a good series here. Keep em coming.
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Post by liquidsword34 on Nov 2, 2012 12:03:03 GMT -5
Waaaay too much exposition. It seemed like most of the issue was exposition given to the reader and it was a slog to get through. If it was given by one character to another with some flair it would work better. The formatting/structure was also quite difficult to read. Lots of the sentences with overly long/wordy which also made it hard to read. The ideas themselves were good, but the wording and structuring brought the issue down.
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Post by Ultimate Silentking on Nov 2, 2012 13:31:58 GMT -5
I didn't find any issues with formatting. Maybe I am too use to formatting problems for it to bug me. Anyway, the fight scene seemed poorly handled and everything after that fell a little flat. I am still interested. I just thought you had the potential to make it better, but you didn't use it. Despite how I didn't like the first issue that much, I will wait for more issues of your Aquaman. 6/10.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 2, 2012 14:54:51 GMT -5
As people have said way, way too much exposition. There's loads of stuff you put lots of detail into, like the armour and it's design, but we get a really passing description of Atlans Lophelia. I have absolutely no idea what it is. Something that's important, I guess, but...what is it? What does it look like?
I also don't really understand why Aquaman is annoyed with Tempest. He nods, so now he doesn't have a proper citizenship? I think less summary and more stuff happening will liven this up. We get a history lesson after we get a lesson in how their costumes look. Then Orin get's annoyed for no raisen.
One of those things might have made a stronger first issue if they had been concentrated on - History is important to Altantis, so that's perhaps the place to start with?
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Post by DiscipleofBob on Nov 2, 2012 15:53:24 GMT -5
NO ONE EXPECTS THE SPANISH EXPOSITION!
...
Sorry...
Anyway, I wish there was more to comment on this chapter. It had all the pieces of a good chapter, but it seems like it was in the wrong order or something. It's difficult to explain.
There's a lot to set up for Aquaman and Atlantis and everything, but I think you kind of rushed into it and that's what caused the exposition problem.
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Post by liquidsword34 on Nov 2, 2012 16:09:21 GMT -5
NO ONE EXPECTS THE SPANISH EXPOSITION! Fun fact: The Spanish inquisition actually gave 30 days notice so people could get their case together |
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Post by Stardrifter on Nov 2, 2012 17:04:15 GMT -5
Then Orin get's annoyed for no raisen. I would be annoyed if I had no raisins too. |
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Post by heroic on Nov 2, 2012 17:34:09 GMT -5
Cheers for all the pointers on where I've went wrong here. This is the first time I've tried to write something were I want the setting to be as important as the characters and from what you're all saying it seems I overdone it on the setting.
Gonna keep with the style though and make it come across more naturally next issue and easier on the eye.
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Post by liquidsword34 on Nov 2, 2012 17:49:07 GMT -5
Then Orin get's annoyed for no raisen. I would be annoyed if I had no raisins too. |
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Post by C_Miller on Nov 2, 2012 20:22:36 GMT -5
I have to agree with the general consensus here. There's obviously a lot of things to set up here since you more than any other writer is actually doing partial world building. That's never easy. That said, I think it could have benefited if you let it be explored naturally.
You say that you wanted the setting to be just as important as the characters, which is certainly a legitimate decision. But do you really want everything about the character to be revealed in the first chapter?
If you are going to keep this expository style, I think it would behoove you to try to limit it. Figure out the story you want to tell and bring in relevant details. If not, I'd just tell the stories like Star said. You clearly could do arcs and arcs of stories just based on the histories you revealed here.
Keep it up and I look forward to issue 2.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 13, 2012 14:52:15 GMT -5
Ok I am still trying to catch up on the debut issues so I am let to the party commenting here.
I think you have an interesting set up here, with a lost of grist to build an interesting story around with Atlantean politics, the father-son dynamics between Garth and Arthur, etc.
However where it suffered was in the execution. It was way too narrator heavy. The best way I can describe it is this...
it felt like I was on a ride at a Disney animatronic exhibit of Atlantis and as I proceeded the voice over narrative would tell me lots of details of Atlantis and I would see these amazing detailed figures standing still as it set the scene, then the voice would stop and the figures would start to move and play out a scene and when done they stilled and the ride would carry me to the next scene of interest while the narrator filled me in again on all the details and described the figures, and then the narrator voice would quiet the figures animate and play out the next scene...
What is lacked was narrative flow, the sense that this was a story that was happening not one being related by a third party that was over and done, and we were just getting filled in about after the fact. The presentation needs to be more dynamic because the ideas and concepts of the series are sound.
-M
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Post by unchartedfan1 on Nov 21, 2012 13:28:48 GMT -5
I personally liked the narrative feel of the issue, it reminded me a lot of John Grisham (who is one of my favorite authors). Yes, I agree it could have done better, but it worked and it served its purpose. I look forward to another issue of this series.
P.S. I liked the Author/Garth thing.
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