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Post by Stardrifter on Feb 9, 2013 10:09:00 GMT -5
Some errors but nothing too horrible. Story wise, well it's not bad but I don't like the faux mystical aspect of the Speedforce. Barry isn't even the Flash yet and we're going into the history of the Speedforce and it's greater implications. Alternate dimensions and the Power of Love. I don't know. It's just not what I want in a Flash story, as a reader.
That's not to say you did a bad job. Just that your story choices aren't interesting to me. Still, I'll keep reading if you keep em coming.
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Post by Ultimate Silentking on Feb 15, 2013 2:39:06 GMT -5
Okay, caught up on this issue now. Both were good but didn't completely wow me. I agree with Drifter on the power of love and going into the history of the Speed Force before Barry becomes the Flash parts. The alternate dimension is a little out of nowhere, but I will accept it for now. Grammar is a bit of an issue, but you already knew that. I also like the characterizations. 8/10 for issues 1 and 2 overall.
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Post by DiscipleofBob on Feb 25, 2013 11:46:34 GMT -5
Some spelling and grammar issues I could catch while reading. Nothing horrible, but still enough to be noticeable.
Like the others, I'm not being sold on the alternate dimension/power of love thing just yet.
Personally, I'd like to see the villains get a little bit more characterization. It's better than the first issue, where all the villains were mashed together so it was hard to tell them apart, but I feel like there are dynamics in the villain group that I'm missing because every time one shows up he's quickly followed by several more.
As the Wonder Woman writer, part of me is trying to figure out the possibility of a crossover/cameo/reference/something involving the greek god Hermes, but that's not something that needs to happen soon.
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Post by buck on Feb 25, 2013 18:09:52 GMT -5
Read issue 2 and its starting to come together still feels like a lot crammed in but in a better fashion this issue. I'm worrid about your plans for Sage as it really seems we are just getting to flash and introducing another character will be a challenge.
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Post by The Wonderful Wachter on Mar 2, 2013 22:34:35 GMT -5
Proofreading, proofreading, proofreading. If you suck at it like you say then ask someone on the board to give it a look over first. I'm an editor by nature and each one of those mistakes took me out of the writing.
Read all the issues so far and everyone has already pointed out the flaws so I won't. I'll be different. I like the take. Love the idea about the tether. Especially like the major focus on the rogues though it would have been better for you to start off with fewer of them. You could have pulled that heist with half the numbers and slogging through two paragraphs of description for each of them, one after another just lacked any sense of flow.
You did have one issue in that you said Barry is 21 in Issue 1 then 22 in Issue 2.
Now from a deadlines standpoint... You need better time management for your issues and a better focus on how much content you have in them. You go from six thousand words in 0 to three thousand in 1 and 2. If you're finding yourself unable to write that much within a month then you need to make more cuts down to 1500-2000 word issues and decompress things. Not only will you be on the same schedule that you seem to be on now, but you should be a tad faster. You aren't getting any more extensions without potential restrictions added to you so if you can't keep up your current pace, then try for smaller.
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jay
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Post by jay on Mar 4, 2013 0:05:42 GMT -5
Issue 3 is up. I'm not the happiest about it but I tried to set up the main conflict that should hit soon. I promise Issue 4 is going up within the next week and it will all make sense.
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Post by The Wonderful Wachter on Mar 4, 2013 3:32:43 GMT -5
Short. Almost too short as I told you over PM and given the length, the few typos/mistake you make this time around are way more evident and I feel like that building Barry runs through whenever I saw them.
"Barry Allen keep moving..."
One paragraph for that scene and it'd be extremely powerful if not for that mistake. It's a strong scene and the shortness is perfect for it but "keep" just ruins it.
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For something that's not a harsh critique. I think the shorter length actually works for you. Each scene had just the right amount of info, right amount of drama, the right amount urgency... you get the drift. And the ending with the rogues is just epic. I feel if you had maybe two or three paragraphs more, this could have been a perfect issue.
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Post by liquidsword34 on Mar 4, 2013 20:01:05 GMT -5
The shorter length works well, and the end scene with the rogues worked well. With the shorter length, however, any mistake is more noticeable, and there were a few. Overall a great issue.
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Post by Drake on Mar 4, 2013 21:02:06 GMT -5
This issue, story and character wise, was fantastic! It was my favorite issue so far when it comes to character. But...there were A LOT of grammar errors. Enough so that it severely detracted from my enjoyment of the story. Imagine if there were none! It might have even been perfect! I didn't mind the shortness, and I particularly loved the Rogues scene. That was just...awesome! 7/10. I really, really wanted to rate this higher, but I can't. There were just too many grammar errors.
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Post by Stardrifter on Mar 5, 2013 23:57:56 GMT -5
Um...there appears to be issue missing. Surely there's some missing? Oh...there isn't? Well then. It was a nice couple paragraphs. I wouldn't call it an issue. Otherwise I echo what the others said.
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Post by DiscipleofBob on Mar 6, 2013 13:35:00 GMT -5
I love what you're doing with the villains for this title. Not only are they sympathetic, they're coming off as downright heroic. Which should make things more interesting down the line if they eventually fall into their usual villain roles.
Some noticeable grammar issues, but nothing too major.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 10, 2013 23:18:22 GMT -5
Caught up with issues #1-3 so comments will reflect all three, and be aware I have a stated bias regarding origins issues that I have mentioned elsewhere-origins are like menus-they show you what the good stuff you might like is, but the point is what's on the menu not the menu itself-too much time on origins is like trying to make a meal of the menu itself-so for me 4 issues is way to long to tell an origins that isn't done yet.
So much so, that this book feels like it should be Ultimate Central City/Keystone PD some issues and Ultimate Rogues other issues, but not Ultimate Flash. Even when we see Barry we don't see flash.
My thoughts on origins are this it took Bendis 6 issues to do what Lee and Ditko did in 1 and Lee and Ditko still did it better. Yet somehow Bendis has become the new standard for origins and what he did in Ultimate Spidey.
That said, down to the actual content-I may be dating myself, but a container of a clear substance left by J.G made me think of the hard water origin of the Golden Age Flash. Not sure if that was what you were going for but it made me think of it when Barry found it and then the electricity went through it to strike Barry.
Others have commented on the grammar issues, so I will just echo their comments.
My real problem with the book is trying to figure out what it is. Parts of it feel like it is trying to be a crime drama with the focus on Henry Allen, Quinn and the police departments. Parts of it feel like its a caper/heist story featuring the Rogues, parts of it feel like its trying to be a Morrisonesque metaphysical treatise on the nature of superpowers, and parts of it feel like its trying to be goofy hi tech sci-fi adventure a la Eureka. All of this makes it a very schizophrenic read. I think its trying to be too many different things all at once and that lack of focus is detracting from those elements, making the whole less than the sum of its parts. Focus on one or two angles and do those well and give them the space they need to give the series its identity. Right now that's the major issue, the book lacks identity, so it feels like it has no direction, and the reader doesn't know who or what the story is actually about because of all the diverse elements.
A series needs a focus. If you want to play with different types of stories, it needs to narrow the focus down to a single character to give the reader an entry point into those stories. If you want to play with an ensemble cast narrow the focus on the types of stories to give a solid foundation for the cast to build upon and work with.
You work in film so I will use a film analogy-right now it looks like someone commissioned several different treatments for the Flash and instead of deciding on one, went with mashing them all together instead. Doesn't work for me despite the fact that each of the bits has had some quality and potential. As a whole they are working against each other and it is making the series as a whole less than what it could be.
-M
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 17, 2013 14:54:40 GMT -5
#0 - So, here we have a #0 issue that's actually incredibly long. I remember reading Jay's first work at this site when he was doing Primal Force, and I found that I had some problems with the level of description. It's something I've mentioned before, but, actually, I found there wasn't a particularly bad level of description in here at all. In fact, i found the latter. I like that we're giving a description of Leonard but not 'He is tall, with white hair, blah blah.' You say what he is, sometimes, without saying it. Did you write this as a script by the way? I notice 'Fade on the...' in the text, and that's not a particularly common way to write 'here is something...' There are also some grammatical things in the next paragraph, but, my grammar sucks so I'll let someone else talk about that...Right away, I'm worried about the amount of Rogues you have. Eight? different individuals you have to give unique voices to. That's a lot of work - You've given them back stories, and I like them for the most part. Setting it up as a sort of naughty oceans eleven group is a fun thing to do, but...I dunno. I worry about this - I read once that writing characters interacting together, you should try to keep the number down to a bare min - because for two people talking to each other, you have two relationships, four, and you have six, and so on...with 8? So, the part with too much detail? What everyone was wearing. It's kind of nice to get a vague idea of what people look like, but this section of 'Leonard Snart put on his cold suit - he was captain Cold.' etc etc really robbed the momentum from the piece and turned it into a drag. I know that suiting up scenes are important in film, but, this really, really destroyed the momentum. However, the scenes were a lot quicker, and shorter after this (and a littttle bit confusing). It's nice to see something a little different in the origin of the Flash, and actually...I really, really like this version of the character. The Rogues seem to take a real focus, and I like that. It was one of the things John's run had going for it.
#1 Funny, it seems like you're the reverse of everyone else in terms of length. #0 being the longest and then #1 being a fair bit shorter. So, the police bit is cliched as hell. Obviously, all police things involve a level of corruption. This is a trope that's been hammered so hard through the hole it's collapsed in on itself. One lone, older cop standing up and saying 'Im not scared.' Yeah. Okay. But the bit with Ralph and Barry? Even if the ages are slightly odd in this, and Barry is already a professor while Ralph is...still taking classes? That's weird. Takes a long time to be a Doctor of something, a Professor is the next leg up. But anyway...the science in this? Heisenbergs uncertainty principles and linking that to Johnny Chambers? That's actually fantastic. Like, I'm suitably impressed that I need to have a little lay down. Many people have said about grammar and spelling - please, check, edit and watch your tenses. I'm sure someone's said it but...howse isn't a word. Certainly an interesting origin for the Speed Force and also for Barry getting his powers. This is a slow burn origin kind of set up isn't it? As MRP said about Bendis stretching a story over six issues when it took others one...I'm still on the fence with it. If it's done well, sure, it can be great but...well, sometimes it is dragging stuff out for the sake of it. Decompression is a tool to use when it needs to be used, not a template.
#2 - The first two scenes needed more detail to them. Not a huge amount but a bit more. The second scene was like three sentences. I realize that there isn't a lot you want to say but you could combine the two scenes into something that works a bit better in terms of structure. There's speed and then there's...well, sparseness. Also just as a general note, something that I work on and try to do better is not over explaining. Your readers aren't daft, so you could do more showing than telling. We know Barry's been electrocuted and burned by chemicals, so you don't need to tell us those are the reasons for his injuries etc. Show us more. I know that this show and tell thing works a little differently in scripts, because they're really directions more than they're illustrations, but this is prose, not a script.
So, if J.G. is in the Speed Force, how did he leave the note for Barry?
Also, the speech attribution for Jay and Barry in their conversation is a bit wafty sometimes. I'm not sure if it's Jay talking or Barry. That's something to be careful of, because it's easy to get confused and turned around when it's just speech with little else. I'm not sure if the little bits afterwards are connected to the speech or not at times. For example - “Your top speed walking will outrun me. How am I suppose to keep up?” Flash smiled at him. - Is that the Flash saying that? Or Barry? If it's Flash, then it stays where it is. If it's Barry, it goes down a line.
#3 - Good god, that was pretty brisk wasn't it? Well, I like how you present Ralph. Not a traditional representation but who cares...Not a whole lot happened this issue though, so, I don't really know what to comment on. I think this probably needed to be longer. I also think that perhaps having Ralph mention all the stuff Barry was working on, and his Dad wanting all his notes was probably stretching credibility a little bit, but, there isn't a lot on this issue so there 'int a lot to say.
You know, what strikes me about the Flash is that there's a lot going on. I don't actually think that there's a lack of focus - the attention to the Rogues is perhaps too much, but I think the focus on them being techno villains, and the science behind the Flashes powers works well. I, personally, don't think there is too much going on. I don't think that there's a lack of focus in terms of theme, I think there is a lack of focus in terms of there being no Flash currently. He's kind of MIA in his own title, and we're three issues in. Sure, that could work for Ultimate Spider-Man etc, but the Flash is about speed and about being direct and quick thinking. These feels very slow, and plodding. There's a lack of trust in the reader so you're telling us a lot instead of showing us a lot. Character interactions, exposition etc, and then when we do get exposition, it's dumped in there in a huge lump for us to deal with, rather then being dripped down.
I like all the elements, and I think they have potential to work together. I think the reason they seem to be working against each other is because they exist in this vacuum. Barry is a clever scientist but he's away from it all. The Speed Force is away from the rest of the story, it's a separate force. The Rogue's are doing rogue stuff and the police force seem to be chasing their own tails. If this all dove tails together in the next few issues or so, then it'd be quite good, but if it still feels like they're existing away from each other, it continues this feeling of separation and will work against the momentum of the title. I'll look forward for #4 though, the science of this series is really what makes it work well, I think.
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Post by C_Miller on Apr 1, 2013 23:43:30 GMT -5
You seemingly have yet to bump this thread, but you are having formatting problems. All of your quotes are some weird symbol, but it's making it hard to read.
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Post by DiscipleofBob on Apr 2, 2013 8:56:41 GMT -5
You seemingly have yet to bump this thread, but you are having formatting problems. All of your quotes are some weird symbol, but it's making it hard to read. This. Started reading, hoping to actually keep up on my reviews this month. Get assaulted by occult symbols everywhere. What word processor are you using? I've occasionally had problems with quotations, apostrophes, and ellipses changing to weird symbols when copied from certain fonts.
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Post by Stardrifter on Apr 2, 2013 12:43:13 GMT -5
Yeah was going to read and...gonna wait till its fixed.
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jay
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Post by jay on Apr 2, 2013 18:29:50 GMT -5
Working on it. To answer your question I use open office and it usually only does "question" marks because I have to keep editing the thing on the board with ever use of quotations. It'll be fixed within the hour.
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jay
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Post by jay on Apr 2, 2013 19:30:55 GMT -5
Fixed and all set to go for reading.
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Post by DiscipleofBob on Apr 3, 2013 12:18:56 GMT -5
The formatting is mostly better now. I'm still getting a few random boxes here and there, but it's legible right now.
I've touched upon how I enjoyed what you're doing with the rogue's gallery by making them semi-heroic and the same applies here. The only problem is that with so many rogues in each scene, it becomes difficult to tell who's talking and where. More descriptive text is necessary. I'm still having trouble keeping exact track of who's who.
The fight scene can be summed up as "Show, not Tell."
"Suddenly he hears a loud roar as a plane comes out of a cloaking disguise. Weapon areas on the wings open up and suddenly from out of them come thousands of tiny angled bits of metal."
could be rewritten as
"Suddenly he hears a loud roar as a strange aircraft materializes out of thin air. Compartments on its wings open up and thousands of tiny angled bits of metal shoot out towards Barry."
It's the difference between telling the reader that the plane came out of its cloaking disguise and those are weapon compartments and showing what they look like through Barry's eyes.
Otherwise, the story is good, if a bit short. Things are definitely starting to pick up, and I look forward to the next Flash issue to be published at the very last possible second. ;D
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Post by Stardrifter on Apr 3, 2013 13:41:46 GMT -5
It wasn't badly written, though there are still a lot of errors. The problem is its still "The Rogues: Featuring the Flash." Too many characters, all the focus on the Rogues and none of Flash, and this issue felt like nothing really happened.
The twist of the Rogues being unlikely heroes would be interesting if we'd spent more time with them as villains and Barry as a hero. The series as it stands feels like an origin story for an unlikely super hero team called the Rogues and their greatest villain, the Flash!
I really hope we see this focus change. And soon. Keep em coming.
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