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Post by adrini on Oct 25, 2015 18:35:21 GMT -5
Prelude up.
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Post by ericthepilot on Oct 25, 2015 18:53:03 GMT -5
Very exciting, I like the way you just throw us into the action. The issue is really well staged and crafted, you can feel the intensity of the situation - especially in the way they all interact with one another. It's great that you're already showing us a bit of each of their personalities from the get go. I like that you also took the time to spotlight some of the different members in vignettes, establishing some fairly different takes on the characters. It's rare to see someone show the JSA in their element, rather than depicting them in the modern day, so I'm looking forward to seeing where this goes from here.
(Couple little grammar snags: you have "went flew" in the first sentence, I assume you only intended for one of them. You have "you're" instead of your in the third paragraph of the second passage. But on the whole, it was pretty smooth on the grammar front)
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Post by Drake on Oct 26, 2015 14:45:01 GMT -5
Short, sweet, to the point, and therefore probably the best first issue I've read by you. We get a solid feel for all three characters, your writing is at its best, and the opening scene leaves us curious, wanting more. Normally I critique the shortness of issues like this, but this one felt deserved. As you said, it's a prelude, and it more than did its job.
9/10. I'm soooo excited for more!
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Post by adrini on Nov 27, 2015 16:15:22 GMT -5
Chapter 2 up.
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Post by Drake on Dec 6, 2015 22:50:42 GMT -5
Nice issue. A couple issues that would be fixed with a better read through:
-Carter Hall, not Hector Hall, I think. Hector's the son, but it could be your take either way. Still, be consistent with the name. You flip flopped.
- -Insert description here-. Not joking. You didn't remove that in the first Song Bird Bar scene.
-Allen is a last name. Alan is the first name. An understandable bit of confusion, but I thought you might as well know.
-There's a number of run ons.
This was a great issue, besides the few basic screw ups. McNiter is Di's grandpa? Or so it seems! And hints at all the heroes and future stories! This is a lot of fun! However, the plot's moving a little slow for me. I respect the slow pace now, but come an issue or two it might get stale. We need a little super action in a JSA title.
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Post by adrini on Dec 6, 2015 23:31:07 GMT -5
Will fix issues, so sorry. Thanks for the heads up. Thanks for the review, I'm glad you like it.  And this is war, slow never lasts. Especially when one is in german occupied france. Also, and you can PM me if you have something, I want to bring in the eariler members of your characters families let me know. I mean this to be the early history of the world we know now. |
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Post by Drake on Dec 7, 2015 9:33:36 GMT -5
Will fix issues, so sorry. Thanks for the heads up. Thanks for the review, I'm glad you like it. And this is war, slow never lasts. Especially when one is in german occupied france. Also, and you can PM me if you have something, I want to bring in the eariler members of your characters families let me know. I mean this to be the early history of the world we know now. I'll get to that later this week! Maybe even today. |
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Post by ericthepilot on Dec 20, 2015 21:40:46 GMT -5
I liked that you started this one en media res, which I've always thought was a really engaging way to draw the reader in. I also thought not translating the German and French was a nice touch. It always seems much more effective - you give enough clues to let the reader know what they're getting at without having to break the fourth wall. It was really well done.
Another really effective thing in this issue is the interactions between the characters. They have yet to get chummy, and certainly feel like a WWII-era military unit in their interaction and banter. It would have been so easy to make them fast friends, but you're going to built them to that, and I really like it. In this way, you're also giving us a lot of information about each of the characters, Scott coming off as the cold and distant commander, who respects the chain of command and gets irritated when others don't follow suit, but he really does care about the men in his charge, Hall so passionate about his work he tends to get lost in it, etc.
This all feels very real, which again, is a testament to your writing. Even in the more fantastical elements, people feel like the react like a real person would. I imagine war feels very much like this, though I have no real frame of reference to back that up. Moments of flurried action, surrounded by a lot of quiet and reflecting, looking for humanity amongst the terror and chaos. It doesn't feel like movie cliches or anything, it's really very effective.
Nicely done. Can't wait for the next.
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Post by adrini on Dec 23, 2015 0:51:08 GMT -5
Chapter 3 up.
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Post by Drake on Jan 1, 2016 15:39:55 GMT -5
Well done. Another great issue.
I really like how you're incorporating actual historical culture into the story, both with the French helping Americans fight back, and the sexism present at the times. Even the heroes we so proudly cheer on show signs of sexism, because they're product of their times, and that's an interesting--and potentially risky--topic to take on. I'm impressed you're doing it, and you're doing it well.
The characters are becoming more and more fleshed out, and you've now introduced Jay! I'm a little surprised he's already in his 40s, and that he's been drafted at all, particularly when the US only drafted 18-35 year old males. Actually, what's even more shocking for me is that he doesn't have his powers yet and he's so old (not to say 40 is really old, but old enough that 70 years later makes an ever greater difference). Also, the Flash isn't established yet (I suppose neither is JSA, but it's certainly on the right track), so it's a risky move including him.
8.8/10
+Strong characterization
+Solid romance
+Cultural themes are appropriate and well done
+A genuinely fun read
-Still no superheroic action
-Implied historical inaccuracies
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Post by adrini on Jan 1, 2016 17:58:37 GMT -5
Patience grasshopper. I would not get the exact age of the battle of the bulge right and get the draft age wrong. Jay is as he is for a reason. It will be revealed.
Glad you like it. I knew I "needed" some romance in it so I'm glad it's not too heavy, that's been a concern. I'm abusing WW2 sites making sure everything is correct (or as can be). It's nice for that to be noticed.
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Post by adrini on Jan 14, 2016 9:23:35 GMT -5
Chapter 4 up
Looked over it for two days but I bet there's typos in it anyway. Sorry if there are.
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Post by adrini on Jan 14, 2016 13:13:25 GMT -5
Will add time stamps.
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Post by Drake on Jan 16, 2016 0:26:57 GMT -5
I'm really enjoying this, but I do have a few notes as I read this.
-Zinda treats her CO like that? I mean, I get he's sexist, but she's a soldier, and...well, I mean he could discharge her and take her plane. Just seemed odd for a title that's focused so much on historical accuracies (comic bookiness aside).
-The first 'Hans" scene was confusing as hell, especially as I had no idea who he was or what they were talking about. I pieced some of it together, but you should keep it in mind.
-It's clear you've proofread it. It's not perfect, but well done.
-TrevOr not TrevEr
-I'm glad we're getting into the Fate plot, for real.
-I like seeing the brotherhood forming between the men. It's very much in the vein of classic war stories (and real life).
8.5/10
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Post by adrini on Jan 16, 2016 11:34:14 GMT -5
I'm glad you liked it. And BTW, yes, I'm working your people in. - He's not her CO. Diana is. And the head of the Blackhawks is his CO. She would not speak like that to the head of the hawkes. But they are the women of the group and he is the newbie so they're on fairly equal footing. Plus they're sleeping together, so formality doesn't hold up so much. -I thought I had made him clear, but I'll really spell it out next chapter. But yes. Bad guy. Very much bad guy. -Glad it helped. -Noted. -It's almost like Garrick was sent for it.  -They need to get there but like someone above mentioned I didn't want them to be there over night - it's not believable. I'd say right now their getting to be friends, some even good ones, but I hope to write them into becoming the war brothers they need to be. But bonds like that take time. |
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Post by adrini on Feb 22, 2016 13:51:49 GMT -5
Chapter 5 up.
I might need help with German soon.
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Post by Drake on Feb 22, 2016 21:29:52 GMT -5
You're having some date issues. The last one should be April 5, not March 5, and there's an earlier April 5 that I'm pretty sure should be April 2. I'd double check those before you post anything, because I was lost for a scene. I thought you were doing time skips.
Anyway, this was another good issue. The plot's heating up. You're finally getting to the classic character traits of the JSA, starting with Doc Midnite.
A couple problems (nitpicks?) I had. Far too many know about Fate. It's making the team less special (for now, at least). Your grammar was a bit weaker this issue, but not dramatically so. The characters also talk too similarly. I'm not looking for accents, but more quirks like Jay's "boyo" would be good. BTW, is Jay Irish? Genuinely curious, because I'm not sure why he's doing the Ted Grant "boyo" thing.
Anyway, 8.2/10. Well done. This is still my favorite of your titles.
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Post by adrini on Mar 19, 2016 23:50:20 GMT -5
Chapter 6 up.
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Post by adrini on Mar 19, 2016 23:51:26 GMT -5
Will add dates later today.
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And this is war, slow never lasts. Especially when one is in german occupied france. 