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Post by dhoward126 on Jan 31, 2012 20:42:50 GMT -5
Hey guys, just put out #1 and starting on #2. Your comments, questions and concerns would be much appreciated. Thanks again and enjoy the ride.
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Post by buck on Jan 31, 2012 21:11:54 GMT -5
The first issue was a solid start. The Order has quite a bit of mystery about it can't wait to see more about this amulet. Has to be something good from them to send Azrael after it.
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Post by The Wonderful Wachter on Jan 31, 2012 22:06:16 GMT -5
Not a bad issue. Not a fan of script writing but it didn't take away from the issue. It's a nice start. I shall be watching the order with a close a eye.
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Post by jackalope on Feb 8, 2012 5:03:10 GMT -5
Took me a while to get used to the format, good job though. I'll be interested to see how Azrael manages in America. Keep it up.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 10, 2012 2:18:25 GMT -5
Here are my initial reactions, made with the intent help you make this better.
Overall, I like the plot and there is plenty of action to carry the story. I am interested in seeing what happens next, but it was not an easy ride through the story-there are a lot of things that make it hard to stay focused on the characters in the story. As a reader with a busy schedule, if you as a writer give me a reason to lose interest or stop reading, I will likely take it. There are too many choices, so give me reasons to stay not leave, because I want to stay.
Here’s what I mean-first impression is your first paragraph, the opening scene. It is action packed, bullets flying everywhere, explosions, could be a great opening, but as a reader I have to ask-whose taking these actions? Whose fighting? Why should I be interested and keep reading? Who am I reading about? The title says Azrael, but who’s Azrael? Is he the one being shot at? Doing the shooting? I don’t know and can’t tell from what you told me.
If this were a comic book there would be a big splash page panel and I could see the action and see the combatants. However, there is no art and all you gave me as a reader was he-who’s he? This is a first issue, a blank slate-assume I know nothing that you haven’t told me because I don’t. And after the first scene I still don’t know who the characters are-lots of action but blank spots where the characters should be. This is your chance to make a dynamic impression of Azrael for the reader, to have him explode into the reader’s consciousness, but we never see him, just a generic he.
Second impression-you need to remember the basic mantra of story telling-show don’t tell. When Nomoz is speaking with Jean Paul, don’t tell the reader in a parenthetical that Nomoz is furious-show it in his body language, describe him as he is talking, show it in his dialogue. Again, when reading a comic, we have the art to rely on to show us what’s happening, but if you take a comic, strip away the art and leave only the words, you have an extremely unsatisfying reading experience. There are pieces of the story missing because the art is not there. When telling a story in prose format, it falls upon you to fill in those missing images for the reader with your text. In some of the scenes you do this, but in most you haven’t made up for the lack of art to help the reader picture what is happening. It doesn’t matter if you can see it clearly in your head when you are writing, I as a reader have to be able to see it clearly when reading based on what is on the page, not what is in your head. Give me more.
You might also consider showing how Jean Paul is reacting to all this as Nomoz says it. Is he taking it calmly? Is he upset? Why does he ask a question and why does Nomoz get angry when he does? I am a new reader, I don’t know their relationship, give me some context, something I can see. Something I can sink my teeth into as a reader and go damn I like this character or man I hate that old S.O.B. for treating him like that. Again, give me more, I am a greedy reader, I want you, the writer, to tell me the full story and make the characters come alive. I’m a lazy reader too, I came to you for the story so give it to me, all of it.
I know you formatted the dialogue like a script or a play with the character notation, but I have to say I don’t like that choice. Others mentioned it as well. Here’s why I don’t like it-dialogue needs to flow back and forth, and the script notation interrupts that flow. A play is meant to be read aloud, and when read those notations aren’t there. A script is lettered on the page, and when lettered those notations aren’t there. But here, we are reading this as prose, and it needs to flow like prose. On a related note, towards the end of the issue you changed from having the character’s name above the dialogue to having it on the same line as the dialogue, which just further jarred me out of the story, and then switched back again. If you are going to use the script notation format, at least be consistent in how you format it.
Here’s my bottom line-I like to read about characters. I like the story elements here, but I wanted more from the characters. Even in a popcorn summer action flick I can see body language and facial expressions that give the characters a foundation and a context, and I can get a sense of emotional state from the way they deliver their dialogue and react to other’s dialogue. What’s there isn’t bad, I just want more-more of the characters given to me, more of the scene set more to fill in for the visuals I would get if this were a comic book and not a prose fan fiction.
I know a lot of people don’t like grammar critiques, but there is one I will pass along that will help make your characters more dynamic. You use passive voice a lot, and passive voice makes characters bystanders not doers. Use active voice, it makes the characters doers, and in an action oriented story that is essential. For example, at one point Jean Paul is fighting off some bad memories and the memories just fade away when he pauses. Makes it feel like Jean Paul is just along for the ride and whatever happens, happens. But Jean Paul is a man of action. Tell me the reader he clears his head and drives those troublesome thoughts away. Same result-the memories are gone, but in active Jean Paul does it, in passive it happens to him. In one case he lets things happen, in the other he seizes control of the situation and shapes it to his will. It’s all in the presentation man. You want Jean Paul to be an action hero, make him one in the way you present his actions.
I hope you find these critiques helpful and don’t think I didn’t like the issue, because I did. -M
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Post by superecwfan1 on Feb 12, 2012 16:19:44 GMT -5
I really like the all action 1st issue man. The introduction of Azrael and him basically as an assassin for the Order , and not having moral problems with it , is a nice fit. I did like seeing Harold there and the others wanting the amulet . I like the mysterious other who wants it. Nice touch man. I liked it.
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Post by tjkernan on Feb 12, 2012 18:08:48 GMT -5
I thought it was a good beginning.
Your unconventional way of presenting dialogue takes a little getting use to though, only because it is a little difficult to separate conversation from action sequences.
mrp does present some excellent and valid points you should consider
overall, I think it is an interesting beginning and I look forward to reading future issues.
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Post by oberonfrost on Feb 27, 2012 13:07:45 GMT -5
So, I can't say I ever cared about Azrael before. But I'm interested in what you're doing here. Seems like you've got some really good ideas laid out to work with.
Like other have said, I'm not really a fan of the script format. It almost kept me from reading your work at all. (I'm not as nice as other people.)
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Post by dhoward126 on Feb 28, 2012 11:42:17 GMT -5
I appreciate the feedback. I am currently wrapping up #2 and I'm trying the conventional method. I was cutting it close for #1 so that was the easiest way for me to get my stuff out on print. I'm now using the script format as a first draft and converting it as such, so I'm hoping it's an easier reading experience, but for those who have read I am happy you are enjoying the story.
I've set up my next story arc, a two-part storyline featuring Doctor Tzin-Tzin and the Composite Man which is more of a horror piece than action as "In Darkness" is. It's a shame that Batman is dropped for the time being, I was also scratching down some to pitch a crossover called "The Devil Named Bruce." Maybe someday?
Thanks again!
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Post by Deleted on Mar 4, 2012 8:32:18 GMT -5
I think I echo most of what was said above.
One of the interesting things I think about Azrael is the combination of super-heroics and religion.
As said above, I think the story is good, but the script style is something that needs getting used to. I know you've said that you're going to go for a more conventional story telling route, which is fair enough. I would as well.
However, I know exactly what you mean about it being speedier and that. I used to write my original fanfic stuff as a script. It didn't go down all that well when I pitched and sent in my first issue, but it's certainly bloody quick.
Anyway, I look forward to seeing more!
Cheers
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Post by dhoward126 on Mar 6, 2012 11:13:16 GMT -5
Good news guys, part two is wrapping up for either tonight or tomorrow morning. Thanks for all the feedback!
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Post by dhoward126 on Mar 7, 2012 15:28:45 GMT -5
Finished with part 2! Will post tomorrow in the afternoon. Here's a solicit for the time being:
Ultimate Azrael #2 "In Darkness" Part 2 (of 4)
What seems to have been a routine snatch and grab for Azrael has quickly turned into a far more complicated job than anyone could have guessed! Can Jean Paul overcome the combined might of both Boneblaster and Conduit and complete his mission? With a climax you won't forget, you can't miss this installment of Ultimate Azrael!
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Post by dhoward126 on Mar 8, 2012 14:59:21 GMT -5
Issue is live.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 9, 2012 2:49:04 GMT -5
So initial impressions again-a vast improvement over #1. The characters are better fleshed out, we can "see" what is happening, we see body language following through on how characters are feeling/acting etc. So great job stepping up your game.
I really liked the interactions between Harold and Jean Paul in the hotel-dancing kitty indeed. And the scene at the bank using the scan gloves to get the intel they needed was well done as well.
However, a few things start to fall apart for me in the last part of the issue.
Two things in particular stand out as negatives for me-
First Jean Paul vs. Conduit-you have told us Azrael is a bad-ass, a grizzled veteran of many battles and good at what he does. You make a point of having Harold giving him the intel on Conduit-about his ability to generate electricity and use the whips to unleash it, yet when Azrael faces Consuit he just lets the whip wrap around his metal armor. It gives the impression that either Jean Paul is not too bright or Azrael is a rank amateur with no clue what he is doing. Bad impression to make if you are writing about a bad-ass warrior assassin.
Second, when Boneblaster smashes Roscoe's head, you tell us the force throws Bressi and Angelo to the floor, and in the very next paragraph tell us Angelo still has the gun to Breessi's neck and then LeHah approaches him and blinds Bressi as if he were still sitting in a chair.
Both are flaws in story logic and consistency, and should be caught in the editing stage. Just something else to keep in mind as you move forward with the series.
So again, great job stepping up the game and this was much, much better than the debut issue, so I am hopeful #3 takes another step forward, because there is a lot of potential here.
-M
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Post by The Wonderful Wachter on Mar 11, 2012 2:31:40 GMT -5
Major improvements. Much preferred over the script style. Only flaw other than what's been mentioned is you flip back and forth in tenses.
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Post by superecwfan1 on Mar 27, 2012 0:32:37 GMT -5
I liked the fact you mad Conduit and Boneblaster very good rogues. I did like the fact Boneblaster doesn't play around and we see him do what he is paid to do essentially by Lehah. I also liked that Valley seems to lose control over himself as Azrael and thought that was a nice touch here to have. My only problem would be the "scene breaks". You can use ************* to break each scene in a way.
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Post by jackalope on Apr 2, 2012 17:03:08 GMT -5
I agree with the scene break comment- but it's no huge thing.
A good and brutal story. It took me a while to get into, but when the action kicked in it was all go. Don't know what happened at the end to Azrael, but I'm certainly intrigued. Looking forward to seeing where this title goes, keep it up.
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Post by The Wonderful Wachter on Apr 3, 2012 23:18:25 GMT -5
Now that (3) is how you tell a story. Flawless scene transitions, fantastic dialogue, and just enough of movement in the scenes to make up for the lack of action. The first bit is what really has me impressed. That is something insanely difficult to accomplish and you did it perfectly.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 3, 2012 23:52:16 GMT -5
Re: #3
Another solid issue. I agree with wachter on the dialogue and scene transitions. I will admit, I had serious reservations after the first issue, but the subsequent issues have erased those doubts. Keep up the good work and I am curious to see who our Scottish friend's employer is.
-M
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Post by buck on Apr 4, 2012 23:47:55 GMT -5
I agree with Wachter on the tense issues. I still haven't made up my mind John Paul using epic in the way he did bothered me a bit just seemed out of character from what we've seen so far.
Keep them coming.
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