jay
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Posts: 120
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Post by jay on Aug 31, 2012 23:06:53 GMT -5
Well first one is up. Lost part of the file tonight so I had to post the first part of what was to be a longer issue. I hope you all like it. If my writing is confusing please let me know.
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Post by buck on Aug 31, 2012 23:59:41 GMT -5
Was a decent first issue. Some grammatical errors but we are all guilty of that. Overall I found your characters to be intriguing and I'm interested to see how the rest of the cast is introduced.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 1, 2012 8:17:45 GMT -5
Well, it's a decent first issue as Buck says, but I think the grammatical errors let it down and I don't get a proper feel for any of the characters other than the Bakers.
I'm not sure I like the device of the italicies summaries of events. Feels more like I'm being pulled out and given the cliff notes of what's happening, there's a lot of telling this and not a whole lot of showing or allowing things to develop. It robs the moments of impact, like Buddy getting shot in the head.
As it is, I don't have any sort of connection to the idea of him getting shot. I'm not all that bothered.
That said, I know the direction of this is interesting and I'm looking forward to seeing more. (Sorry if this review seems overtly negative, it just felt very short and that was symptomatic of being told everything in very short bursts.)
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Post by liquidsword34 on Sept 1, 2012 13:33:00 GMT -5
The shooting seemed a bit...out of nowhere. I get that was the point (It wasn't expected), but the whole thing came and went within two paragraphs. No background, no description. Also:
"Cliff had seen a drug deal go down at school. They told him to keep his mouth shut and he did."
So...why did they shoot him? I can't see a drug dealer killing every teenager who witnesses a drug deal and says nothing about it, in broad daylight, with assault rifles.
Other than that, it was a good first issue.
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jay
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Posts: 120
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Post by jay on Sept 1, 2012 14:02:01 GMT -5
I appreciate the feedback. The drug deal situation is gonna be explained in Issue 2 along with other things. I'm going to use the italics less in the second issue.
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Post by buck on Sept 1, 2012 14:10:23 GMT -5
I personally enjoyed the italics as I read it in Orson Welles voice.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 6, 2012 8:28:05 GMT -5
Just had a chance to read this as I try to get back into the swing of things. I like the set up and the direction things seem to be moving in overall.
Many have mentioned the italics bits, and this is my take-as Buck said about Orson Welles-they read like a voiceover narrative that would be playing as we see a montage of images in a film, or caption boxes over a number of panels on a comics page. They would work extremely well in either format, but as prose only in this format, they fall down a little bit. Comics are normally such a visual medium and we all have strong images associated with characters in our heads that when we read or write we tend to rely on those images and forget they are not on the page.
When writing comic prose, the prose itself has to fill that visual component. We actually got no sense of what The Bakers or Alec looked like. The villains got described though. My head filled in the visuals for the protagonists, but it wasn't on the page itself. So if I had one recommendation, it would be to keep that in mind as you script the issues-the prose has to fill both the narrative and visual roles of a typical comic book story.
-M
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Post by unchartedfan1 on Sept 8, 2012 10:16:56 GMT -5
I liked your first issue but I'll refrain from commenting further till I see more of the story.
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