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Post by buck on Mar 2, 2012 23:17:15 GMT -5
I enjoy what you're doing with the character. I was skeptical at first about removing Ollie from his millions, but you've done a great job with it thus far. I will repeat like the other reviewers though: taking the extra time to proof the issue will go along way.
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Post by superecwfan1 on Mar 10, 2012 14:47:11 GMT -5
The latest Green Arrow is up and it starts the whole new arc introducing a familiar DCU character in a bit of a change.
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Post by jackalope on Mar 13, 2012 17:14:46 GMT -5
Just read 6 & 7 and have to say you've won me over, I'm not the biggest Green Arrow fan but I really like what you're building here. I'd be interested to know if Queen Industries ever becomes a thing. Dinah's story has a nice Silk Spectre/Watchmen aspect to it- I don't know if I'm reading that right. Anyway, good stuff.
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Post by superecwfan1 on Mar 13, 2012 20:31:07 GMT -5
There will not be a Queen Industries really. I mean , he has the government money and getting that. He doesn't need it with this. I personally love the role reversal here. Where as Hawkman was a space cop , and Ollie was the free spirit , its flipped. Oliver Queen is the cop and approaches things more serious.
He won't kill unless need be. There will come a time in my "Invasion of Thanagar" arc where he will really get pissed at a situation that arises. I won't say anymore. But in that arc your gonna see something happen , and its gonna impact the JLA .
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Post by The Wonderful Wachter on Mar 14, 2012 11:47:33 GMT -5
Not one of your better issues. There was a lot that could have been done to make it seem more than just a filler setup but it happens to all of us. Even something as simple as describing Shado a tad more. Still, I do like your GA. And given that Ultimate Grayson is much the same except the opposite side of the coin, I look forward to a potential crossover between them.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 14, 2012 14:43:09 GMT -5
This one didn't do it for me. Usually you have some bits of sparkling dialogue or well done action scenes to carry the issue but this one felt flat, with nothing to stand out and carry it, which made its flaws all the more noticeable.
The biggest action scene with GA was the chase, and it had a bit of wonky comic book science that always leaves me cold. His frequency burst the cuts out car engines-how did it target just the police cars and not the vehicles behind it or the vehicle he was riding if it was a pulse? Does each make and model operate on its own frequency? Was there a ray gun extending from Ollie's bike that allowed him to aim the pulse? It seems like it was modeled on an EM Pulse but such things are not selective in what they knock out. As you presented it, it felt way too deus ex machina, just I want a chase scene but I want the cars chasing to stop for no particular reason so they just do and Ollie gets away. It just feels like lazy storytelling and its something that hasn't been present in other issues so it stands out as especially bad here.
The other thing that bothered me was the Japanese business man not wanting to go through the formalities. Why go through the trouble of making him Japanese if you are going to ignore or dismiss one of the aspects of Japanese culture that is front and center so much-the idea of tradition and ceremony being crucial? I realize not every Japanese person honors tradition and ceremony, but there was really no point in making the character Japanese except to say he was tied the Yakuza and Shado dressed like a Geisha, which is one of the reasons why the issue felt so flat for me. Things were just there without there really being a reason for them to be.
So overall, I still like Ollie's character and what you did in the first arc, so I will keep checking out future issues to see what happens, and I am confident they will be better as I liked #1-6, but this one felt like a fumble for me.
-M
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Post by superecwfan1 on Mar 15, 2012 15:17:30 GMT -5
Well I never wrote there was any other cars around when Oliver used it. Just the 2 police cars chasing him essentially. If there was any behind them , I'm sure they would have stopped due to the range of the pulse that shut down the cars electronics .
Kazuo isn't a respectful Japanese man really. He's written to be a young handler representing the Yakuza and his role is someone who really #9 as you will read is someone who doesn't like the culture he is from and is pushing to branch to America. He idolizes American culture as you will see and has picked up the mannerisms from it.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 15, 2012 15:47:41 GMT -5
Well I never wrote there was any other cars around when Oliver used it. Just the 2 police cars chasing him essentially. If there was any behind them , I'm sure they would have stopped due to the range of the pulse that shut down the cars electronics . Kazuo isn't a respectful Japanese man really. He's written to be a young handler representing the Yakuza and his role is someone who really #9 as you will read is someone who doesn't like the culture he is from and is pushing to branch to America. He idolizes American culture as you will see and has picked up the mannerisms from it. Here's the line form your issue where the police cars were stopped: Oliver pushed the button as the police cars and the lights suddenly stopped. Them yelling as their cars blocked traffic. With a laugh he gunned it and took off further into the city. Leaving the angry cops outside to question how their patrol cars suddenly stopped dead. Read more: ultimatedc.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=greenarrow&action=display&thread=560#ixzz1pDxH2vi9 If the police cars were blocking traffic and there were no other cars around-what traffic were they blocking? The way it reads, there certainly seems to be other cars around. And it still doesn't explain how the pulse doesn't disable the engine on the bike Ollie is riding that is less than a foot away form the pulse generator. As for Kazuo, if that is what you want his personality to be, that's your call, but then you need to do a better job establishing who he is when you introduce him not tell your readers I will get to it 2 issues later, because if it makes no sense or comes across as off, they may not be there when you finally get around to explaining why he acts the way he does. Readers are busy people, you need to give them reasons to come back not reasons to stop reading. -M
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Post by superecwfan1 on Mar 15, 2012 22:20:26 GMT -5
I don't like giving away a character and his motivation so quick really. I like the building to really showing what he will be or do. I am possibly gonna rewrite #8 to reveal more of what Kazuo wants to do and has planned for America to help you and others get that.
As far as the whole debate on the technology Machin used in the bike. Your just gonna have to chalk it up to "wonky comic book science" where the guy built a technology that can shut down a vehicles electronics.
Its silly I know. But so is the fact Oliver Queen is shooting special designed arrows that release sand , nets and electric shocks. lol
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Post by liquidsword34 on Mar 31, 2012 19:13:50 GMT -5
I like what you've done with the character, and how you pretty much paralleled what you did with Hawkman. It's an interesting take on the character and makes the series serve as more than just telling stories which could be told in the normal DC Universe.
One thing I noticed was some awkward wording. For example: "His day of labor working in the hot sun had made his shirt basically wet with sweat and he wiped his face as he walked over and worked on the fence."
"basically wet with sweat" seems weird and disjointed. Basically doesn't seem like the best word to use, maybe even just removing it would make it work better. You used "and" twice in the sentence, which again makes it disjointed. Personally I would have written this as:
"His day of hard labour working under the hot son had made his shirt wet from his warm sweat. He wiped dirt from his face using his shirt as he walked over to start work on the fence."
There were also a few minor issues such as the wrong usage of your/you're and using numbers instead of the word for those numbers.
As an opening to an arc, I think the issue served its purpose, although I don't think it's up to the standard of some of your previous issues.
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Post by superecwfan1 on Apr 1, 2012 10:20:37 GMT -5
Now you know why I usually hand things to Buck to edit. With Green Arrow , it needed a revamp and one to get things sped up in quite a hurry this past winter. Because the JLA was coming this summer. So I needed to do twice a month schedule for awhile. Buck has a lot going on so it will be fall til he edits things for me. I will try...(Try the hardest I can) to make things work grammar wise best I can.
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Post by superecwfan1 on Apr 5, 2012 14:58:44 GMT -5
#8 of the 2nd part of the Geisha Assassin arc is up. In this one I decided to make a quick change of things at the end. MRP brought it up and I had originally decided to hold off til pt.3 to reveal Kazuo's intentions in America. But I decided , I maybe should do it and cut a scene from this and do it next in #9. So its what I decided to do. Also I tried editing and all best I could. Happy reading.
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Post by The Wonderful Wachter on Apr 16, 2012 8:09:44 GMT -5
Alright, I'm gonna be friendly and offer my services. I can't promise to be quick about it (it might take two or three days) but I'll edit for you until buck gets back up to it. The least I can do is fix the spaces before the end of a sentence. More dramatic changes might require more time that I won't have until I get Spoilers back on track.
Your story was fine this time around though I'm not sure how Ollie knows Shado hasn't you know... And you were a bit heavy handed with some of your description. Sometimes less is more. Other than that, you have been taking comments to heart and I can see some slight improvement in your style.
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Post by superecwfan1 on Apr 18, 2012 17:28:24 GMT -5
Alright, I'm gonna be friendly and offer my services. I can't promise to be quick about it (it might take two or three days) but I'll edit for you until buck gets back up to it. The least I can do is fix the spaces before the end of a sentence. More dramatic changes might require more time that I won't have until I get Spoilers back on track. Your story was fine this time around though I'm not sure how Ollie knows Shado hasn't you know... And you were a bit heavy handed with some of your description. Sometimes less is more. Other than that, you have been taking comments to heart and I can see some slight improvement in your style. Thanks for the offer wachter . I will send you Green Arrow and Hawkman starting in June. This way you can get your things in order. Lets just say about Ollie knowing about Shado possibly knowing that she hasn't been with a man is his own gut feeling on it.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 29, 2012 20:54:26 GMT -5
Re: #8
Sorry it took me so long to get to reading this. An improvement over #7 and I liked the action for the most part. The interaction between Ollie and Eddie was good. The twist at the end could be predicted but that's not a criticism, it is just a reflection of who your character is.
Overall I am still not enjoying this arc as much as I did the first arc, but that is more because I think the first arc was very good than because I think this one is bad. This arc has potential so, let's see where it goes.
-M
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Post by buck on Apr 30, 2012 15:10:10 GMT -5
I agree with mrp the second arc has been a step down from the first one. Ollie's interactions with Eddie were well done. The colored thoughts really cut into the overall flow of your title would consider cutting those out.
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Post by Stardrifter on May 4, 2012 22:29:19 GMT -5
I'm caught up now. I still find this take on GA to be interesting. I do have some issues. Others have gone into some detail so I wont beat a dead horse. What I would like to mention is...
1. Ollie is kind of a joke right now. Does he ever win fights anymore? It seems like he always gets beat up and runs away or someone saves him. Not a very "super" hero.
2. I wasn't feeling the intro of Dinah at all. It just felt shoehorned in and not organic at all. It feels like she's there because Black Canary is a part of Green Arrow and not because THIS character should be in THIS story.
Otherwise still n interesting read and looking forward to where you take it. Keep em coming.
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Post by superecwfan1 on May 6, 2012 1:43:11 GMT -5
Dinah was one of the characters I didn't wanna rush into the series as much. I knew her introduction would be one that some would ask about. I have tried to slow down the progression of where she is going. But with changes to certain things and storylines being moved about #9 will surprise some here. But I have had to shift a few things storyline wise folks.
Oliver Queen went from normal every day criminals to fighting a cyborg ape and now a super assassin . Its not so easy for him as a guy suddenly doing this job. In fact ...a planned story that sadly won't happen was gonna feature Hal Jordan and have Oliver Queen tell him how he's in over his head .
Hal basically tells him that he has the most heart . Which really is what makes the character. He's not gonna win every fight. He's gonna scrap by at times. But the character will be the one who runs in there with all these super powered people around him.
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Post by superecwfan1 on May 21, 2012 18:50:13 GMT -5
The latest read is up and I'm sure some will either love or hate #9. That with a plot I had to push up earlier , but it was gonna happen more or less. I also wanna say I hope others can look past again my grammar issues. Starting next month Wachter will be editing for me.
Hope everyone likes the Heroes File section I added for #9.
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Post by buck on May 21, 2012 20:43:03 GMT -5
I'm not digging Dinah's characterization in the series. Making her boy crazy doesn't work for her in my mind. Also she seemed younger through the other issues. I thought you were going all Leon the professional on us since her introduction.
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