|
Post by Stardrifter on Mar 29, 2013 13:45:23 GMT -5
Wasn't a bad wrap up. The betrayal was nicely done and I didn't see it coming. There were some bad proofreading issues, but otherwise good job. Keep em coming.
|
|
|
Post by Drake on Mar 30, 2013 22:48:47 GMT -5
I agree with Star. 8/10
|
|
|
Post by buck on Apr 12, 2013 2:13:20 GMT -5
"Feeling the chain whip past him at high velocity, Alan swoops downwards, realizing that Lobo may be strong enough to dent the ring's protective shield and caus him damage" [/b][/quote] Cause is missing an e in that sentence. Small thing, but didn't want to just say you have proofreading errors and not point some stuff out. Lobo's chain wraps around the spear as Arisia valiantly attempts to stab at the sneering hyena, her inexperience leading to her struggling to dual her powerful opponent. [/b][/quote] Again here dual should be duel. Overall I preferred the second arc to the the first, but still hasn't quite gotten me hooked. It feels like I have bits and pieces of a number of characters, but not enough of anyone in particular. I think some solo stories for each character could really help the readers get to know the characters a bit more. I like the way you have set Hal up this far twice now he's put himself up as a sacrifice and came out breathing on the other side of the event. Nice to see him being the ultimate hero. Keep up the good work.
|
|
|
Post by liquidsword34 on Apr 15, 2013 8:29:00 GMT -5
Issue 9 is up
|
|
|
Post by Stardrifter on Apr 18, 2013 14:03:45 GMT -5
Felt kind of short, but otherwise well done. Nice action. I'd like to see some build up of Henshaw. Maybe a flashback showing a happy time for him. Would make us feel for him more. Keep em coming.
|
|
|
Post by liquidsword34 on May 26, 2013 20:09:24 GMT -5
10 is up
|
|
|
Post by Stardrifter on May 27, 2013 20:29:48 GMT -5
Another short issue. Nothing really wrong besides feeling rushed. Liked seeing Sinestro start to turn, as it were. Keep em coming.
|
|
|
Post by liquidsword34 on Jun 30, 2013 19:55:31 GMT -5
Issue 11 is up. With the end of college and losing my original copy of this issue just before I finished it, this wasn't as long as I'd have liked.
|
|
|
Post by Stardrifter on Jul 1, 2013 20:23:16 GMT -5
Yes it was very short. But what's there is good. I like that Sinestro has been slowing building toward becoming more controlling and dominating. And always good to see Hal put in his place. Keep em coming.
|
|
|
Post by liquidsword34 on Jul 17, 2013 17:51:32 GMT -5
12 is up
|
|
|
Post by Stardrifter on Jul 19, 2013 11:49:22 GMT -5
Not bad. Some dropped letters here and there. Otherwise technically sound.
Not a whole lot to say about the issue. It's all setup for the coming payoff. The bits of insight into Sinestro was interesting. Keep em coming.
|
|
|
Post by jordan on Mar 10, 2014 17:34:35 GMT -5
#13 is up! I home you enjoy the beginning of my GLC run!
|
|
|
Post by thejellyfish on Mar 10, 2014 19:42:04 GMT -5
So, I liked it. I should probably get Lantern up.
It seemed a little short to me, though. I could have been reading it fast, but it felt really short. Good first chapter nonetheless and I love the description of John Stewart's position in the Corps.
I eagerly await the next chapter.
|
|
|
Post by Stardrifter on Mar 10, 2014 20:05:23 GMT -5
I'll be honest. I didn't like it. Your writing always tends to be grandiose and this continues that trend. While GLC is a title where grandiose could work, I found a lot of your phrasing and dialogue to be overwritten or nonsensical. Like you're trying too hard.
Sinestro has been to Earth before, seen roads and cars, making his scenes not understanding Earth really out of place. His meeting with Kyle felt rushed and awkward.
I know it's a sci fi trope, but the "Earth/Humans are the greatest things ever" rhetoric felt cliche.
I don't know. I don't mean to be hard on you. But the direction you're going and the choices you've made make me scratch my head. I just don't get it.
|
|
|
Post by jordan on Mar 11, 2014 0:54:54 GMT -5
I can understand where you're coming from and, even if it feels like I'm "trying to hard" I can honestly assure you I'm not. I can understand in parts where you could see that, but hey, maybe my writing style just isn't for everyone. I can live with that.
As far as Sinestro having been to Earth, it's been a long time, he doesn't really remember it well and is unfamiliar with it. That's really just that.
And, I'm not sure why you felt the Earth/Humans are the greatest things ever rhetoric felt cliched. I thought I'd done a fairly good job of explaining why the are the greatest, and even offered a counterpoint to the argument.
Oh well, again, maybe my writing just isn't for you. That being said, I hope you continue to read!
|
|
|
Post by Drake on Mar 11, 2014 21:41:45 GMT -5
I enjoyed the issue, but I do have a few major critiques.
First off, Sinestro and the Guardians did not read like the Sinestro and Guardians in ls' run. They acted and spoke like they were in some sort of Shakespearean play, not a universe already built and ready for use. It was completely jarring. On a similar note, Sinestro should have known about tar, etc. I'm sorry, but I don't care how long he was gone (what, 4 years maybe?) he wouldn't just forget what Earth culture was like. He's Sinestro! The guy's impossibly smart!
Lastly, what's up with the continuity in this? LS' GL run was established as taking place late-2012 early-2013 I believe. So does this take place in 2016/17. That would be fine, but it seems odd.
Now to add on the good. Your Kyle seems down in the dumps, which is an interesting way to start with him. I'm excited to learn what brought him down to this dark, angry state. Also, while your overly dramatic writing is certainly, well, over done, it is interesting. It definitely adds a soap-operic/Shakespearean vibe to the story. Also, I'm excited to learn the mystery of Jordan's (presumably) last days.
7/10
|
|
|
Post by DiscipleofBob on Mar 17, 2014 23:51:21 GMT -5
The meat of this chapter was the exposition, and you did that very well. You covered liquid's aborted arc in a manner that felt satisfactorily epic and got us into your modern atmosphere.
The conversation between Sinestro and the Guardians is grandiose, yes, but that's not a bad thing. Anything involving the Guardians should be necessarily epic. I didn't see as much of the Shakespeare.
And I know I'm repeating Drake and Star here, but there is absolutely no reason Sinestro would be unfamiliar with concepts like cars and roads. Even if we ignored the fact that Sinestro has been to Earth plenty of times before, there's still the fact that Sinestro is a member of one of the most advanced alien races in the galaxy and an intergalactic agent who's visited dozens of advanced worlds. There is absolutely no reason something as simple a ground-based vehicle should be anything unusual to him.
Then Sinestro apparently prefers crossdressing when meeting new recruits, because... he wasn't creepy enough before? I don't know why that was there. It doesn't serve a real point.
Kyle for his brief appearance came across as a mopey jerk, and not someone to be chosen by a Green Lantern ring.
From what I see, you have three major plot holes to worry about:
1. The Four Years' War puts this sometime in 2016? 2017? Either way that far in the future makes little sense. The easiest way I think would be to just change the name from "Four Years War" to something that shoehorns your timeline less (or you could just say they're Oan years, but that's really just confusing). I know you've mentioned you don't like working with a specific timeline to restrict you.
2. Kyle Rayner's personality or lack thereof. This one's an easy fix as we haven't seen that much of Kyle yet, so you have a few chapters to convince us he's worthy of the ring.
3. Sinestro's ignorance of basic Earth aspects. As far as I can tell, the only thing you can do here is avoid that kind of thing in the future.
|
|
|
Post by jordan on Mar 18, 2014 0:50:26 GMT -5
I've seen several comments on the timeline. Disciple, you hit it on the nail, I hate restricting timelines. For that, I read through the series and 1) there aren't really any set in stone dates in Liquidsword's run, and I used that to my advantage. And, even if you still don't like that, I never did say Earth years. I could easily explain it away as Ranx years, Oan years, Korugar years etc. It could've been a thousand years on Korugar if I wanted it to. It could've been twenty minutes on Earth if I wanted it to. It isn't a plothole, it is me ignoring restricting timelines.
As far as Kyle's character, I feel as though Sinestro explains it. He sits alone, which in itself is overcoming the greatest human fear--social exclusion--and then, when everyone else runs from Sinestro's alien form, Kyle stands tall and punches him through the wall. That's him overcoming great fear.
|
|
|
Post by DiscipleofBob on Mar 18, 2014 17:59:54 GMT -5
I've seen several comments on the timeline. Disciple, you hit it on the nail, I hate restricting timelines. For that, I read through the series and 1) there aren't really any set in stone dates in Liquidsword's run, and I used that to my advantage. And, even if you still don't like that, I never did say Earth years. I could easily explain it away as Ranx years, Oan years, Korugar years etc. It could've been a thousand years on Korugar if I wanted it to. It could've been twenty minutes on Earth if I wanted it to. It isn't a plothole, it is me ignoring restricting timelines. The thing is, by calling it the "Four Years War" you're literally restricting your own timeline. Why not call it the "War of the Dominators" or the "War of Fear" or the "Bleebleplax Plebthilaxian War" or literally anything else that doesn't shoehorn your own timeline. I haven't gone back through liquid's run to determine if saying it took place a few years earlier contradicts anything, and as long as it doesn't, that's fine, but as long as you have to explain to your readers that the past run which everyone assumed was in the present was in the past, or you're going off of alien years (which makes even less sense when you're dealing with an interplanetary force) in the discussion thread, it's still a plot hole. Still one that you can easily fix, but not one you should ignore and say doesn't exist. Maybe it's just me, but I don't buy the idea that "social exclusion" is the "greatest human fear." Being antisocial and mopey does not make one the pinnacle of courage and willpower. But it doesn't really matter as Kyle was only just introduced and hasn't had the chance to be developed in just one chapter. You have plenty of time to convince the readers that Kyle is someone worthy of a Green Lantern ring.
|
|