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Post by DiscipleofBob on Apr 2, 2013 13:38:10 GMT -5
Not bad. Not great. I have no problem with a lack of action. I just felt some of the dialogue was off. The interactions between Steve, Diana, and the girls felt off. I did enjoy the eccentric Steve Trevor though. Keep em coming. You know, rereading it, I get that too. I'm happy with the actual dialogue (though some of it needed rewriting a few times over), and I think at least part of it was me unintentionally channeling the awkwardness and fatigue of the characters a little too well. Maybe it's just me needing a bit more practice in getting their dynamic right.
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Post by liquidsword34 on Apr 4, 2013 18:52:33 GMT -5
I liked this more than your previous chapters. The characterization for everybody seemed natural and well written, which more than made up for the lack of action.
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Post by buck on Apr 10, 2013 13:36:23 GMT -5
Just read #5. Not a whole lot to add enjoyed the character work, but definitely felt like the story needed to move forward a tad bit more. I like the idea of a superhero sighting forum. Keep up the good work look forward to more of the larger mythology in the future.
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Post by DiscipleofBob on Apr 10, 2013 13:58:26 GMT -5
I liked this more than your previous chapters. The characterization for everybody seemed natural and well written, which more than made up for the lack of action. Thanks. I'm glad it came off as natural. I do try to keep in character when writing these characters and try to have the conversations flow naturally. It's often a pain when you need one character to say something specific to move the plot around but the conversation never seems to naturally flow there. Ok just got around to reading #5. Short and sweet. It felt brief like you said, but what was there was good. The lack of action wasn't an issue, but I think I might have liked to see the story moved forward a little more. There was movement, but it felt like babysteps. Pure speculation-with Steve being in his 90's and having military background, he would have been 22 in '45 so probably saw action in WWII, and we got hints that Hippolyta wore the armor in man's world previously with WWII mentions in the raid of Paradise Island, so I am going to go out on a limb and guess there is going to be some connection between Trevor and Hippolyta in the past. -M I don't want to confirm or deny any speculation and give any spoilers, but I can at least confirm dates for continuity's sake. He did serve in World War II, and his mother Diana Trevor served as well in the WAC. Steve Trevor isn't quite 90 years old in 2013. By my math he's 87 give or take a year. This means he was 16 in 1942. I'll let you draw the rest of the conclusions from there. Just read #5. Not a whole lot to add enjoyed the character work, but definitely felt like the story needed to move forward a tad bit more. I like the idea of a superhero sighting forum. Keep up the good work look forward to more of the larger mythology in the future. I agree. In fact there was a scene I had to cut from this chapter because I realized I needed it for next chapter. Hopefully the next few chapters will make up for lack of plot advancement. While this is still pending, I think this chapter was and will be the only one without any real action for the entire story. This all of course depends on whether my future outline goes as expected or I end up having to split chapters up again.
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Post by The Wonderful Wachter on Apr 26, 2013 22:25:49 GMT -5
“Artemis is a warrior, nothing more. She can't see beyond the point of her sword. She would search by process of elimination: killing anyone she meets one by one until by divine intervention she happens upon her target.” Given our introduction to Diana in Man's World... This made me giggle. The countdown of remaining opponents in issue 4 was an interesting stylistic choice. I enjoyed it. I did see the twist coming with the masked fighter however. Great dynamic between Etta and Vanessa. One person with faith in humanity, the other with appropriate modern-day cynicism. Unfortunately, I will forever resent any implications that Gotham is the sole home to crazies. At the very least, it should be Jersey in general. Steve does my name proud with his first comment about Diana. In conclusion... HOW DARE YOU STEAL WATCHTOWER?!?!?! *throttles you while your wife watches* Serious time I'm not sure if you're intending to be straightforward in your storytelling but it's not too difficult to see the direction your story is going and where it's been. Nothing wrong with that. It's a refreshing style that I like but unlike many tales that leave me looking at a dozen various possibilities and more, I have a fraction of that with Wonder Woman. Issue 5 was a much needed change in pace and you shouldn't remove the possibility of only interaction and general interaction in favor of every issue having action in the future. Just as a single chapter must account for the balance of the various forms of story inside the issue, so too must the chapters themselves. There is absolutely nothing wrong (and I highly encourage it) for you to take time off between your minor arcs or major storylines for a nice slow, story of Diana in Man's World. Whether you do it as a stand alone like 5 or a short arc... These things are needed. Even super heroes have to have a moment where they take a second off and just admire the sunrise and with the quality of your writing, you can pull off such a story. PS: Issue 4 has a formatting problem in the last scene break.
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Post by The Wonderful Wachter on May 1, 2013 3:51:23 GMT -5
First Review... BOOYAH!!! I don't normally say this, and I hate to use it as a critique as I'd rather just focus on story telling element, but the first half could have used a little bit more in the way of edits. There was awkward wording. Confusing moments. Lots of things happening that didn't really seem to play off the page because of the grammar issues. Onto the story itself... Using the Apples of Discord as a plotline makes me wish I'd have stuck with Arrow (though then we'd have missed out on your wonderful wife) and there was so much potential to tie the mythos together. It's also an interesting "first move" on the Baroness's part. Unfortunately, when Vanessa and Etta showed up on scene... I was confused as to what was happening and not sure if I was reading about actual zombies and not zombie behavior. (But I'll take the blame on this since I was reading it at four in the morning). Steve (I refuse to call him Stephen... I hate PH with a passion) is a fascinating character and pretty damn spry and quick-witted for an old guy. I'm picturing Stan Lee Parkour whenever he's on the page. You also utilized a good manipulative way for him to lead Diana to give him the only information that matters to him and shows why Vanessa would be raised with such faith in humanity. From a storytelling angle... it almost seems like you're setting it up to be a video game. You had the tutorial boss fight in the first issue and the general tutorial (Diana's training) as well as introduction into the final bosses/big bad for your first arc (including the trope of the protagonist's village is attacked/burned to the ground). Then you had Diana arrive at her first city in Issue 5 and meet the NPCs that'll help her on her way. And finally given all that was stolen, and that we know it usually belongs to WW, you're setting things up so that as the story goes on... she gets gear upgrade. She'll get a sword, shield, learn to fly from place to place, etc... An interesting take. Now for some random things. Two GCPDs is gonna make for some awkward reading. It even made me pause for a second before I realized "Ohhhh... Gateway City," given the prominence of the other GCPD and what not... you might be able to better merit from GPD or Gateway PD. It's not like the NYC's police and fire departments are NYCPD/NYCFD. Just a personal opinion to help avoid confusion. Hehe. With the St. Cloud bag, I'm glad I had Buck claim her as wallpaper. It's these little things that make me smile as our world is connected. Superheroes on horses are always win. ALWAYS. ---- Here's a little gift for my Forerunner for hitting six issues. Feel free to use it for scene breaks if you'd like. I also loaded a slightly smaller one:
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Post by liquidsword34 on May 3, 2013 19:51:12 GMT -5
I liked this issue, this series may be the best on the site. The scene with Diana and Steve felt kind of contrived, but it worked and I like how you came up with a creative way for him to get info out of her.
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Post by Stardrifter on May 4, 2013 18:35:12 GMT -5
I liked it. A nice progression to the story. The interrogation from Steve felt a bit unrealistic, but I suppose Diana is still so naive it could work. My only real complaint would be Vanessa and Etta's dialogue. It doesn't feel natural. These don't sound like teenage girls, even smart ones.
Otherwise, good stuff. Keep em coming.
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Post by DiscipleofBob on May 5, 2013 12:12:32 GMT -5
((Because I really don't feel like quoting everything.))
I keep meaning to call him Steve in the story, but then I get the image of him suddenly glaring at me saying, "That's Colonel Trevor to you young man" and I have to compromise. Hopefully I can break the habit soon and settle on a name.
The video game analogy is a pretty good actually. The idea is that Diana doesn't just get to be a hero, she has to earn it. The main plot of UWW will be fairly straightforward. I feel a character like WW who's had a lot of different interpretations, many of which were kind of bad or crazy, deserves a more traditional story. Hopefully there will be at least some plot details I can still surprise you on.
Admittedly, Steve's interrogation technique was a little contrived, but once I thought of it it was almost too cheesy and corny NOT to do. Plus, the sooner Steve at the very least established Diana wasn't dangerous to the family the sooner I could move on. It also makes sense more when you think of Steve as the Grandpa who can get you to listen no matter what he's talking about.
As for the GCPD thing, I was thinking of ways to shorten it, but then I figured that this would be a legitimate, in-universe confusion. Someone says "GCPD" and thinks either Gotham or Gateway, and that confusion could help reference some of the differences between the two police forces and how they handle this growing climate of superpowered criminals and vigilantes.
@stardrifter: Regarding the comment about Etta and Vanessa's dialogue, could you be more specific? Honestly when I wrote it it seemed pretty honest and natural for the characters, but then again I also have a bias being the author and the dialogue might play out a bit more naturally in my head.
Thanks for the logo, wachter! For thematic purposes I might wait a few more chapters so Diana can officially go by the title of Wonder Woman. Chapter 8 will be the official end of the first arc, and I have three major arcs planned out.
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Post by DiscipleofBob on Jun 7, 2013 15:11:24 GMT -5
The next chapter for UWW WILL be up tonight. It just needs some polishing and I have a sudden wedding to attend. It might be late, but I'll try to get it posted before it's technically tomorrow.
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Post by Stardrifter on Jun 8, 2013 20:21:47 GMT -5
Not bad. You missed some < for your Greek speak. I think the dialogue in this issue could use some work. A lot of unnecessarily long lines that slowed the pace down and didn't come across as realistic.
Besides that, a good issue. I hope you get to a resting point soon. Keep em coming.
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Post by liquidsword34 on Jun 8, 2013 21:12:27 GMT -5
This did seem a bit rushed, some of the dialogue didn't feel up to your normal standard and there were some errors (Missing <'s, and one sentence just sort of stopped halfway through), but it was still a good issue. You continue to utilize your villains well and keep a healthy balance between the three of them.
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Post by Ultimate Silentking on Jun 17, 2013 0:19:29 GMT -5
I am shocked to learn that I didn't at least review issue 3 before I left. I know for a fact that I had time to do so. Anyway, caught up so here are my reviews.
Issue 3-4: It was a good middle and ending of an arc. My only complaint is Diana's behavior towards the end of the arc. I am pretty much in agreement with MRP on the whole heroic thing. I couldn't help but think what a b!tch she was acting towards the end. The way she reacted when it caught up in the present. 8/10 for those two issues overall.
Issue 5: A nicer breather issue of sorts. It also reminds me that Diana's behavior from the ending of last ish does in fact makes sense and is how most people would react. 8.5/10
Issue 6: It was very enjoyable and makes up for her behavior in issue 4. I also enjoyed the Colonel's mini interrogation. 8.5/10
Issue 7: Another good issue although I am wondering if I missed any mistakes since I caught the sentence that stopped in mid sentence but nothing else that liquid mentioned. Also, the paragraph that explained how Diana managed to escape the tracks while under the apple's spell and then hit the Baroness felt forced rather than natural. In any case, the fight scenes were well done enough and the appearance of a certain powerful being was awesome. Definitely got me excited even more. 8.5/10 since the good made up just as much for the bad. For me that is.
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Post by DiscipleofBob on Jun 17, 2013 9:54:19 GMT -5
If you guys see any obvious mistakes, some specific examples would help me correct them. All I found was one missing bracket that I've fixed since then, but as I'm sure every writer here knows it's easy to miss mistakes in one's own work.
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Post by DiscipleofBob on Jul 8, 2013 0:48:02 GMT -5
Doing something a little different for this issue. Check out the Greek Mythology section for a little side story that counts as the (admittedly late) issue for June.
The Greek Mythology section for UWW will contain Ancient Myths and Modern Myths. Ancient Myths some retellings of classic Greek myths, occasionally with some Ultimate DC twists. Modern Myths when they actually appear will be about the Greek Gods in the present and what they're currently up to.
I got halfway through UWW8 before I realized that if I didn't post Ancient Myths 1 it would screw up one of my used claims before it could expire. In order to avoid a potential hassle, I got Ancient Myths 1 out first. Ultimate Wonder Woman 8 will be out shortly and count as July's issue.
Hope you enjoy!
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Post by Stardrifter on Jul 10, 2013 12:31:07 GMT -5
Well done. As someone quite familiar with Greek Myth, the beginning was redundant, but of course necessary for those not familiar. Otherwise it was great. One thing I noticed though.
She approached Zeus unflinchingly and stared directly into his eyes, unflinching
Keep em coming.
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Post by DiscipleofBob on Jul 10, 2013 13:14:07 GMT -5
Well done. As someone quite familiar with Greek Myth, the beginning was redundant, but of course necessary for those not familiar. Otherwise it was great. One thing I noticed though. She approached Zeus unflinchingly and stared directly into his eyes, unflinchingKeep em coming. Easy fix. Thanks for pointing that out. As a Greek Mythology enthusiast myself, one thing I'm going for with these "retellings" is to clarify the myths, since many Greek myths have multiple versions, or inconsistencies. That and some later Ultimate Greek myths might completely surprise you with twists.
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Post by Ultimate Silentking on Jul 10, 2013 13:49:05 GMT -5
You certainly ultimatized this Greek myth. I enjoyed it and there was enough differences that I didn't get bored from reading the same story twice or thrice. It was well written and the dialogue between the six young Gods was excellent. 8.7/10
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Post by DiscipleofBob on Aug 1, 2013 0:10:45 GMT -5
New Chapter is up!
Actual Wonder Woman chapter and not just Greek Filler Mythology!
I kid.
I think this officially ends the first "arc" to Ultimate Wonder Woman if this can really be classified into arcs.
I may need to go over it again for spelling/grammar errors, so let me know if you find anything for me to fix.
Goal for August is two chapters. We'll see how that turns out.
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Post by Stardrifter on Aug 4, 2013 16:19:52 GMT -5
This was really good, if long. The fight was well written but I feel you could have cut some out. Also Diana's thoughts seemed unnatural, they didn't flow like real thoughts do. Especially in an emergency. Also Biggs and Wedge took me out of it.
Keep em coming.
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